


The Woes Of The Heart

by InariChi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-17 20:04:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10601241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InariChi/pseuds/InariChi
Summary: For true love is found with the person who owns your heart. Yet, the person who has ownership of Kyungsoo’s beating organ has no knowledge of his possession. And Kyungsoo couldn’t allow him that awareness, frightened that the fall of an Empire would follow thereafter; an Empire built on the numerous years of their friendship which would crumble to the ground if his feelings were ever acknowledged.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here is my fic entry for the Best Days of Our Lives kaisoo fic fest!! ^^  
> I hope everyone who gives it a read will like it.  
> Thank you for your time :)

 

 

“I’m sorry to say this, but I just don’t think we will work out. Jiae, I’m sorry that you had to accompany me this evening.” Kyungsoo lowers his head. Looking the woman in her eyes, after rejecting any chances of a future relationship, isn’t a privilege he could indulge in right now.

This is his third date within the span of two weeks, and it ends just the same as the others--in rejection: in a silent night of deep loneliness as he solemnly drives to his high rise apartment.

Luckily, the women who accompanied him on such outings have been well mannered and sophisticated. Though filled with anger and confusion, his dates never acted upon such intrinsic emotions.

Kyungsoo knows that his efforts to find a female partner are futile, his sexuality could never unravel into a straight line. He lingers along the perimeters of bisexual, when truthfully, the intense proclivity he has for his gender is directed toward one male.

Alone, he sits in his spacious, white accented living room and sips from a glass of wine. Tonight, it’s him drifting along the melancholic melodies of smooth blues, his partner in another drawn out night. After crawling through another failed date, he discovers the confines of his apartment are more comforting and soothing. It wraps him in a cloak of warmth as his lissome figure rests on an off-white couch.

The first sip he takes is contemplative and slow, he swallows the fermented liquid sparsely. While he takes his fifth sip, his lips subtly tremble around the tip of the glass and he barely consumes the wine. When taking his ninth sip, he feels the streaks of moist tears glide down his cheeks and fall onto his silk shirt.

It’s not enough, and he guzzles the remainder of the drink before pouring himself another glass and then another.

He searches for the numb feeling which alcohol could provide to cease the torment within his head. He wishes for the tortuous breathing to halt, and for his breaths to bend around the lump lodged inside of his throat. He longs for the peaceful dreams that once manifested while he slept to return, but the bags under his eyes grow from the nightmares which are steadily playing instead.

The merciless ache present within his chest has yet to subside when he desires for nothing else for months now. It blares inside on high volume reigning over his mind’s yells and screams which desperately beg and plead for it to stop beating--to stop waiting, aspiring and craving for that which is not his. That which will _never_ be his.

True love.

For true love is found with the person who owns your heart. Yet, the person who has ownership of Kyungsoo’s beating organ has no knowledge of his possession. And Kyungsoo couldn’t allow him that awareness, frightened that the fall of an Empire would follow thereafter; an Empire built on the numerous years of their friendship which would crumble to the ground if his feelings were ever acknowledged.

That’s how Kyungsoo finds himself drowning his sorrows, wallowing in self-degradation and dwelling in loneliness. His eyes glisten with tears as he remembers when this living nightmare initially began…

 

 

  
**5 months earlier**

 

 

  
Repetition; the recurrence of a certain action or event that one repeated daily or weekly.

Kyungsoo experienced repetition every day.

His schedule was identical, nothing fell short or out of place. And if said instance were to happen, he accommodated immediately so that his time would not be wasted. Productivity was his motto. He lived with a strict mindset of getting things done--and done correctly.

It came as no surprise that he mapped out his life into short instances of compartmentalize duties. The morning routine consisted of waking up at exactly 6 a.m. Going for a thirty minute jog around the nearby park followed immediately after. He returned to his apartment no later than 6:40 and relished in the saunatec warmth of a muscle relaxing shower. Bathing beneath the water pellets lasted twenty minutes before he dried himself off and applied business attire.

His occupation demanded a rather responsible style, where black slacks and silk polyester button downs were his required staples. Having ownership of his own event planning company named ‘Magnificient Moments’ allowed him the luxury to control his finances, let alone those who worked underneath him.

Although he was the executive of such an establishment, he set the bar high with impeccable examples of arriving to work thirty minutes before his appointed work time at 9 a.m. He never took leave or a sick day off. His schedule was impeccably pristine in the eyes of many, and they followed in his lead with the utmost respect toward a perfectionist of his caliber as due.

As he walked toward his office, there was a light swing to his step and low hums rumbled underneath his breath. The receptionist, Luna, at the front desk greeted him with a smile, and he returned it curtly. No need for small talk of ‘hellos’ because Kyungsoo didn't have time to afford for such colloquy.

He planned his mornings, evenings and nights, and everything must go accordingly. A miniscule deviation rendered his day unsatisfactory and left the man anxiety-ridden and restless. Therefore, any attempts to maintain his schedule were paramount.

Yet, there was one factor which Kyungsoo had no qualms with accepting. It came as a blast of wind blowing through his serene and contemplative nature. An immense earthquake crumpling and tearing away at the very fabric of his soul until he could do nothing but cave into every plea and favor.

This determinant was his dearest friend, Jongin.

Like a drug, Jongin was an addiction Kyungsoo simply refused to quit; a toxin which seeped into his bloodstream and traveled throughout the veins that delivered the plasma to his internal organs. The very organs which allowed him to live.

Jongin gave him life.

There was no one on Earth who Kyungsoo loved more purely, unconditionally, and passionately. Through the conversations held with his heart, he learned that it merely sought what it desired. No interference of the brain could rid the immense emotions deeply ingrained within his heart. Though he hadn’t attempted other romantic relationships, he knew they would never be successful. Far too deeply and intensely did he feel for Jongin and rightfully so, because the man was undeniably _precious_.

Precious in who he was, whatever he did, and wherever he went. Jongin was warm and loving, free and bright--everything pure within this world and everyone important in one’s life. Being a pediatrician made him so: a doctor to children, a teacher to parents on how to take proper care of their kids, a dear friend to his coworkers.

Jongin was the man he coveted, the sole human being who owned every facet of his heart. However, he hid his emotions deep inside, and never allowed them to visit the surface.

Yet, when the puddles of his life began to ripple outward, a storm drew near that he didn’t take heed of, until it was too late.

 

  
“Luna, I need to know which flower shop will deliver the order of asters and lilies. Please call back with that information as soon as possible.”

_“Yes, Mr. Do.”_

Kyungsoo heavily sighed before hanging up the phone. He inclined back in his office chair and took a minute break from all that occupied his thoughts.

There were three weddings just around the corner which needed to be planned meticulously. His company's reputation was at stake because one of his clients was the Prime Minister and his fiance.

Baekhyun’s idiotic aptitude told him that he could book three weddings without a hitch. But as the days dwindled and time became sparse, the undutiful wedding planner found himself buried under more work than he could handle. Which left Kyungsoo to lend a helping hand, since this was his company after all.

As he rummaged through the files on his desk, there was a heavy knock on the door. He ordered for that person to enter without sparing the entryway a glance.

“Hey Kyungsoo, how’s it going?”

“Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo lifted his head and blinked twice before his face contorted in confusion, “Why are you here?”

The taller male shrugged, “You weren’t answering my calls. It’s almost like you’ve been avoiding me,” He said as he took a seat in one of the two chairs nestled in front of Kyungsoo’s dark oakwood desk.

“I have not been avoiding you.” His mother told him to never lie, but in the face of perseverance, he deemed it an appropriate reason. He had indeed been avoiding the man.

Chanyeol was a nice guy, an accountant, and their friendship bridged over several years now having met in their last year of college. However, Kyungsoo held no interest in the romantic affinity Chanyeol harbored toward him. It was quite evident that Chanyeol favored him, he knew all too well when those puppy eyes stared, and his hands became touchy.

Unfortunately for Chanyeol, Kyungsoo didn’t want to date right now. In truth, he never wanted to date anyone beside Jongin, but the likelihood of such an occurrence was irreconcilably low. So he banked on remaining single until his parents buckled down and laid it straight with the ‘we want grandchildren’ conversation.

It wasn’t that relationships weren’t of importance, but he had other matters which were more imperative. At the current moment, his company flourished smoothly and everything went according to his plan. He’d rather save himself the heartache and pain of jumping into something he wasn’t ready to commit to.

“You have,” Chanyeol sighed, “Look, I know you aren’t going to tell me your reason for being single, but I’m not giving up on you just like that. So pick up the phone or get a new number,” Chanyeol was painstakingly straightforward which was one of the many attributes Kyungsoo admittedly fancied about him.

However, too much honesty had it drawbacks, like in this very moment.

“Great. Thanks for telling me,” Kyungsoo grinned, “I had no immediate plans of adopting a new phone number, however, for such a good friend, I could, _definitely_ make an exception. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to finish.” He stood from his desk and gestured for Chanyeol to do the same. To his dismay, the man remained still in the chair and didn’t budge an inch. Kyungsoo inwardly groaned. With an already delayed schedule due to Baekhyun, there was no time to deal with Chanyeol’s stubbornness. He also had a cake tasting with the caterers in one hour. “Will you leave if I promise to call you?” An empty promise, he knew, but Kyungsoo would say anything to convince him to leave.

“You promise?” Chanyeol peered up with adorable puppy eyes which had absolutely no effect on Kyungsoo.

Exhaling a sigh, he replied, “Yes, I promise.” With those words, Chanyeol flashed him a wide grin and rose to his feet to leave the room.

Not even a second later, Baekhyun blasted through his door with a monster drink and two bananas. Kyungsoo didn’t even want to know how he managed to eat them both at the same time.

“I need your help,” Baekhyun said, and Kyungsoo fought the urge to reply with snark.

“I’m helping you more than I should when you got yourself into this mess.” He returned to his desk and began sorting files into a folder. Every client had a folder which consisted of their plans and vendors for the particular event.

“I know, I know, but this one. I really need your help, Soo,”

“The employer to employee line has to be drawn somewhere,”

“You love that nickname,”

“Who lied to you?”

“Anyway.” Baekhyun guzzled the remainder of the can before tossing into the trash bin, “Like I was saying, there’s another client…”

“Another one?!” Kyungsoo’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets.

“Touchy, touchy.” Baekhyun waved a hand, “This is an event planning agency, Mr. Do. We have many clients, I thought you would be happy!”

“Not when you’re stacking on so many clients, it becomes hard to keep up. Why not give your client to Kris? I’m sure he could handle it,”

“That douchebag? Pssh, as if he could.” Baekhyun rolled his eyes.

“Said douchebag brings in more clientele than you, I can assure,”

“Okay fine,” He hissed, “I’ll ask Kris, but it doesn’t mean I’ll be happy about it.”

“And why should I care about your happiness?” Kyungsoo’s face scrunched in faux confusion.

“The friend to friend line is wavering.” Baekhyun poked fun with a curl of his upper lip.

Kyungsoo glared, “Get out of my office, I have work to do,”

“We should go out for drinks sometime this week,”

“Baekhyun, I don't drink, you know this,”

“But still, maybe it will loosen up all of that,” The planner made aimless hand gestures toward Kyungsoo.

“Baekhyun!” He snapped.

“You got it boss!” Baekhyun chirped before dipping out of the door. Not a second past before his golden strands of hair peeked inside Kyungsoo’s door once again, “Oh, and Kyungsoo,” Said male lifted his head, “Tell Jongin I said ‘hello.’” Baekhyun added with a good natured wink or possibly a mocking one. He slipped out the door just before the pen Kyungsoo threw collided with his face.

The pink swarming under Kyungsoo’s cheeks flared but died down within seconds. He regretted ever informing Baekhyun of his unrequited love. But the planner had his tactful and persuasive ways, he would give him that. It was one of the reasons why he hired Baekhyun.

His work day came to a close after the meeting, and the evening portion of his schedule commenced shortly after he retired from work.

Every evening, Kyungsoo visited the hospital which was a fifteen minute commute from his building. From there, he picked up Jongin and headed to their customary dinner. Often times, they ate at one or the other’s apartment. However, on some nights, they explored dining out and found themselves sitting inside a restaurant.

Admittedly, this was Kyungsoo’s favorite time of the day, and within his planner, there was a star marked next to his time spent with Jongin. Today, they ventured into the dishes of romantic Italy at a diner which specialized in pasta cuisine.

 

  
Jongin chuckled, “You’re making that face again.”

“What face?” He asked, perplexed.

“That one you make when it’s a really good dish and you can’t contain it. Did you have a good day today?” Jongin twirled his fork into the angel hair pasta.

Kyungsoo pondered that he was having a “better” day now that he was with Jongin. Yet, he concluded the events preceding their customary gathering weren’t all too bad.

“Yes, yes I did. How about you? Any kids to worry about?”

“Well, there was this one kid who suffers from epilepsy,”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo’s tone became saddened.

“No, he’s doing okay, better. His name is Minseok.” Jongin used a napkin to wipe his mouth, “He wouldn’t stop crying today, so I tried everything I could to make him laugh but nothing worked,”

“You’re not a clown Jongin and your jokes suck,”

The other looked affronted, “My jokes aren’t that bad,”

“Lay one on me,”

“Alright then.” Jongin pursed his lips as he thought of a joke. He piped up moments later with a mischievous grin, “A man didn’t like his haircut, but it started to grow on him,”

Kyungsoo stared, “Jong--”

“Okay, okay…” He interjected, “Then how about, what do you call a pig that does karate?”

“Oh I don’t know, what do you call him?” Kyungsoo reached for his glass of water on the table.

“A pork chop!” Jongin nearly yelled.

Kyungsoo abruptly spluttered the water from his mouth onto the table. He hurriedly dabbed it with a napkin, cursing himself for having the galls to drink at a time of humor. Stupidity slipped through his actions when in the presence of Jongin.

The pediatrician laughed loud, his eyes curved into half moons with the deepest set of crinkles forming myriads of small lines out the corner of his eyes. Jongin’s face settled into a permanent smile after, and Kyungsoo didn't resist the urge to grin at the sight of such gleaming radiance. Jongin was infectious.

“Jongin, it’s not that funny,” He said as he peered into those amused chestnut irises which glistened with tears now.

“It really is, I have to tell Jiyoon about this,”

Kyungsoo’s smile faltered, the corners of his lips drooped ever so slightly at the mention of Jongin’s friend. It was nothing major, he assumed. Jongin brought her around on a few occasional outings. She was a beautiful red haired girl, very cordial and sensible. Jiyoon was a residential hospice nurse, one of the many nurses who worked alongside Jongin in the Seoul hospital.

Often times, she lingered around the front of the hospital with Jongin when Kyungsoo arrived. Very sparingly did they speak to each other with formal ‘hellos’ and premature ‘goodbyes’, mainly from the lack of partiality Kyungsoo possessed toward the woman. Within her own merit, she was ideal and loving, but when associated with Jongin, she became a threat; an exemplary warning.

Despite his disdain, he knew Jongin liked her. And whoever was a friend of Jongin, was a friend of his, “Oh, how is she doing?” The question squeezed out in one breath; a wasted breath which will never return.

“Fine, fine. She’s working on a thesis at the moment and is swamped with work but we still hang out,” Jongin said as he sipped from a glass of iced tea.

Great, Kyungsoo thought. Jiyoon remained occupied with work related duties and consequently, Jongin had more free time to bond with him. Selfish as his thoughts seemed, that was one flaw Kyungsoo was willing to look beyond, well aware that his love for Jongin reigned higher than such a narcissistic attribute.

“So I’ve picked up a new hobby,” Jongin said.

“And that is?” Kyungsoo arched a quizzical brow.

“Knitting,” He grinned, satisfied and haughty, almost as though he was bragging. Kyungsoo nearly suppressed the swell of humor that threatened to burst through his lips as roaring laughter. It was so incredibly Jongin that he was beside himself.

“Knitting, huh? Seems very...Domestic,” He said, for lack of better terminology, “Why knitting?” Kyungsoo lopsidedly grinned.

Jongin shrugged, “It gives me peace, you know? Dealing with kids can be very stressing. So sometimes I like to sit back and knit. What about you? Anything new lately going on?”

Aside from the constant pestering from Chanyeol and his forever present fighting spirit, there wasn’t much of anything, “Well, nothing really. Work has me busy as always. Baekhyun took on too many clients this time and I’m helping him out,”

“Mr. CEO is finally doing some work,” Jongin chuckled, “I may have a favor for you soon,”

“Really? I wonder what it could be.” Kyungsoo contemplated over his words, briefly stringing thoughts along inside his mind to what Jongin could be referring to. Stumped, he dismissed the thoughts with a shrug of nonchalance, “I’m sure I can handle it,”

“I know you can.” The reassurance in Jongin’s voice may have caused the tiniest smile to spread on his cheeks. He willed it back down, knowing that it must be ridiculous to smile this much. “I’ll even make you a scarf for the winter, though that’s months from now,”

“I’m not sure I trust your skills enough for that,”

“Just wait and see.” Jongin displayed that charming smile which made him swoon just a bit more.

“The scarf has to be red and blue, checkered with polka dots, and stripes,” Kyungsoo said with a playful gleam in his eyes.

“Challenge accepted.” Jongin nodded with an airy chuckle.

Surrendering, he replied, “Okay.”

They spent the remainder of their evening in light chatter and easy laughs flowing through the small facility.

  
As planned, their night out ended at 9 p.m, and Kyungsoo pulled into the underground parking lot for his apartment building no later than 9:30. With a beep of his keys, he locked his Mercedes and used the elevator to the sixth floor.

After an outing with Jongin, he played smooth jazz throughout his home while preparing for bed. This would be considered the night time portion of his daily routine.

He took another shower, though half the time shorter, before he brushed his teeth and picked an outfit to wear for the next day. After sorting out his attire, he then proceeded to his planner and checked off the list of meetings, consultations and bookings that he accomplished today. It served as a reminder that he made headway and moved forward. The daunting need to be productive hung over him in a thick veil. If the satisfaction wasn’t there, it unsettled his sleep and ruined his days.

The best part of this routine was documenting everything that happened in his diary. It was a favorite pastime of his which allowed him to recollect his emotions and displayed his growth. When reading previous journal entries, he relived the moments and cringed at the naivete shown, or the foolery there. More often than not, he found himself laughing at his past self.

His diary entries ranged back to the early days of highschool, just before he met Jongin in his sophomore year. Jongin was a freshman at the time, back in ‘the good old days.’ He briefly reminisced as he dug through the night stand drawer beside his bed.

Books upon books were neatly arranged into the drawer, and Kyungsoo pulled out the most recent addition: an ivory book with a golden line traveling down the side. He opened it to the last entry before picking up the ballpoint pen on his nightstand. And then, he began to write.

 

  
_Thursday, March 24th, 2016_  
_On this day,_

 _Today was as good as any other except for Baekhyun and his mess. I was in a bad mood when he told me about all of those clients. I can’t believe he booked three people at the same time! He needs to get himself together, he’s been a wedding planner for five years now. I honestly don’t know why I hired him. I felt better when I had dinner with Jongin, which was nice like always. I had blackened shrimp for the first time. It tasted very good maybe I should get it next time. Jongin had his usual regular spaghetti and nothing else. I knew he would pick that, he’s so simple. But that's what I love about him. It’s funny how he claims mine is the best in Korea, I’ll never forget it. Maybe I should cook some for him again soon. It’s been awhile._  
_I miss him already._  
_I hope he sleeps well._  
_I better get to sleep myself._  
_The day is over._  
_-DKS_

 

 _Friday, March 25th, 2016_  
_On this day,_

 _I woke up this morning five minutes before my alarm. And today while at work, I got in contact with the caterers for the prime minister and talked to the vendors for the wedding. I was able to satisfy everyone’s needs and secure the banquet hall and catering service. It felt great, someone is getting married and that’s always a good thing._  
_Baekhyun’s antics struck again when he made fun of my Armani suit. Calling me a sellout for not choosing Gucci. I think he’s just angry about not owning one himself. The cheapskate. He spends his money on energy drinks and junk food. I could never. No wonder he’s drowning in his own stupidity._

 _Jongin surprised me when he stopped by my company and brought lunch for us to eat together. It made me really happy and bubbly, but I couldn’t let him know. He’s busy being a doctor and helping kids, but I couldn’t help feeling special. Especially when I saw my personal favorite, macaroni and cheese. He even brought a pack of shredded cheddar. In our fifteen years of friendship, this moment is the one that almost made me want to cry. But I won’t tell Jongin that. What would he think of that time he flew us out to Paris?_  
_I hope he cooks for us again, it was really cheesy. Ha. Cheesy. Just like him._  
_I hope he sleeps well again and gets enough rest._  
_It’s time for me to retire too._  
_The day is over._  
_-DKS_

 

  
Kyungsoo’s weekends were expected and usual deviations from his weekday routine. He continued to rouse at the ungodly hour on Saturday morning, but instead of jogging around the park, he attended his saxophone lesson.

He admired those who played woodwind instruments. It took incredible skill, a sense of grace, and a nice pair of lungs. He paid homage to the tenor saxophonists, Coleman Hawkins, whenever the opportunity presented itself. Being a fan of such talent spurred him into learning this instrument.

Which is why on this day, he parked outside of Yoli’s Studio to learn more of his craft. His lessons spanned over two years with sparse breaks in between. He hadn’t made it to expert level, but he took rightful pride in what he accomplished thus far.

Jongdae, his teacher and friend, was a very peculiar fellow. Donning a fashion of the early 1920s, he entered the session with narrow pants the color of pale yellow. The suspenders over his shoulder were brown, and a navy polkadotted bowtie completed the picturesque ensemble. The only thing missing was a striped vest or jacket and he’d appear to have sauntered out The Great Gatsby.

The curly hair atop of Jongdae’s head was imperfectly tamed, giving him a couth prep appearance, complemented by the large simper furbishing high cheekbones. It didn’t require much thought for one to apprehend that this man absolutely adored his job, it showed through his care for his students.

Kyungsoo being one of them, came a long way, and Jongdae suggested that he performed during Jazz Amatuer Night downtown at Giulia's Lounge. Kyungsoo's perpetual shyness caused him to surrender any notions concerning performances before a large crowd. He never desired to do such a thing, nor attempt it, and politely declined every time.

Today was the same as any other.

“You’re really picking this up well, Kyungsoo. Are you sure you don’t want to perform? We have amatuer night and no one will dislike you, I’m sure.” Jongdae showered him with a charismatic smile followed by a wink. The kind gesture almost broke Kyungsoo’s restrictions but fell short of reaching the height of his anxiety.

Years of practise playing countermelodies helped him learn more aspects of music arrangement and eventually--improvisation. However, he remained uncertain about performing.

“I’m not sure, Dae. I don’t think I’m that good to be honest,”

“Nonsense.” Jongdae dismissed him with a wave of his hand, “Your sound reminds me of a mixture between Stan Getz and Doug Lawrence, warm and mellow but sometimes with a swing and bop that excites and pulls you in. There’s something there Kyungsoo, don’t sell yourself short.” He gave the CEO a reassuring pat on the back, and Kyungsoo offered a tiny grin.

He humored the idea of performing before an audience and what the results would be. Perhaps, a round of applause? A standing ovation would be asking far too much. Yet, he envisioned standing on the platform underneath the spying beams of light while he played a rendition of a classic jazz number. In all honesty, the vision was one of impact, but he wished to have the courage to do such a thing.

In the spur of the moment, he turned to look at Jongdae before leaving the class, “I’ll think about it…” Was all he said, and Jongdae responded with a delighted nod.

Kyungsoo left class that day with thoughts of performing at the forefront of his mind.

 

Later that evening while engaged in listening to his audiobook on his bed, he saw from the corner of his eye, the notification light on his cell phone blinking with a solid green color. A text message from Jongin displayed on his screen and three message from Chanyeol lied just below. Ignoring the messages from his pursuer, Kyungsoo read Jongin's immediately.

The pediatrician raved on and on about a carnival in town for the weekend. To Kyungsoo, it felt like forever since he attended the fair with Jongin. They used to visit them more so during their teenage years. Kyungsoo shot him a message of agreement and closed out the messaging app. He noted to text Chanyeol later.

 

 

The next morning, excitement raced through Kyungsoo’s body. He cleared his schedule for the entire Sunday; the usual day for the weekly cleaning of his apartment.

With high anticipation, he awaited Jongin’s arrival near the entrance of the carnival. In the past, they commonly met just before the booth where the tickets were sold. And similar to the past, Jongin showed up later than he did. To be fair, Kyungsoo possessed a tendency to arrive earlier than the agreed meeting time, he was wired that way with years of planning ingrained into his system.

Jongin made his grand appearance directly at noon, and Kyungsoo spotted his tufts of hazel wispy hair bounding toward him. He enthusiastically raised a hand with a bright smile adorning his cheeks.

Their day of fun began with a leisure stroll around the entire park. They noted all of the rides which they remembered from years ago. However, back then, their time was well spent at the gaming stalls. Much like today, it was impossible for Jongin to avoid the infamous ‘ring-toss’ booth. Rigged as it seemed, he was addicted to said game.

“Come on Jongin, you know they rig this, right?” Kyungsoo motioned toward the stall where a teenage boy listlessly stood smacking on a piece gum while manning the booth. Apparently, he didn’t find working on such a day favorable.

“I got this, Soo.” Jongin cocked his neck and rolled his shoulders. Kyungsoo rolled his eyes with a smile. Ten minutes later, Jongin still hadn’t won anything and was ten dollars shorter than before he started playing the game.

Their next stop was another gaming booth where they threw darts at colorful balloons. Kyungsoo lucked out and won a stuffed teddy bear. Brown in fur, the small plush form of mammal nestled into his arms perfectly. Jongin pouted cutely, and Kyungsoo decided to gift him the animal. He did anything for Jongin as long as it meant he would be happy.

Besides, Jongin reminded him of a bear anyway.

“Hey, want to get cotton candy?” Jongin asked.

“Yea, sure,”

After Jongin paid for two sticks of spun sugar, they settled down on a rectangular wooden bench and began eating. The eagerness within Jongin’s movements pulled a smile on Kyungsoo’s face. Jongin appeared happy to the core, radiantly smiling while immersed in chewing on the sugary treat.

“Jongin, you’re going to choke at this rate.” The other boisterously laughed, and confusion found Kyungsoo through the melodious songs of Jongin’s chuckles.

“You know,” Jongin smiled, “You said something similar before while we ate cotton candy,”

“I did?”

“You did,” Jongin sighed, “Here, open wide,” He pinched off a piece of the floss and leaned over to push it against Kyungsoo’s lips. The gesture was fairly intimate to Kyungsoo, who felt his body stiffen with nerves. Slowly, he parted his lips to allow the candy inside and Jongin hummed, “Good, isn’t it? That’s why I eat it so quickly,”

“You’re an addict,” Kyungsoo said before chewing.

“You told me that too. You haven’t changed,” Jongin snickered, “After all these years, you haven't changed…” Kyungsoo thought, on the contrary, some things have changed. His feelings for Jongin have grown deeper, he was certain, “I missed you back then you know…” Jongin tapered off, and a wave of stillness overcame them both. Melancholy drifted through their figures as unspoken memories poured into the nostalgic atmosphere.

“I missed you too, those six years weren’t the same,” Kyungsoo hung his head low, contemplative eyes running along the pavement before him.

“But look at us now. We’re both only 30, and you own an event planning company and I’m a pediatrician. We really accomplished our dreams.” The sense of awe in Jongin’s voice urged him to lift his head. When he did, his gaze instantly met delicate orbs in possession of identical sensations to his own.

“I’m proud of you, Jongin...” He gently exhaled, “I’m glad you came back,”

“Me too. And besides, I needed to come back,” An impish grin grew on Jongin’s face, “Because how else would I be able to hear your horrible saxophone skills?”

Kyungsoo’s mouth fell ajar and a gasp of disbelief pushed through his lips, “You did not just say my skills were horrible?” Jongin erupted in laughter, his head flew back, and his free palm pounded against his leg, “Keep on laughing, I see how it is. That’s why I won’t invite you to my performance.” At those words, Jongin’s thunderous laughter came to an abrupt stop. He darted his gaze toward Kyungsoo, who held a smug grin on his lips.

“You’re performing?!” Jongin’s eyes lit up with excitement that matched his joyful expression.

“Well, Jongdae has been really adamant about it and I’m thinking about it,”

“You should definitely do it!” He yelled. It was quite titillating when Jongin stared at him like that, with all the respect and admiration in the world. Kyungsoo fought the urge to smile with great effort, the slight dip of the corners of his lips prevented him from doing so.

“You think so?”

“Of course! You’re really good Soo, you know I was only joking before,”

Kyungsoo nodded, “Then, I will do it.”

“That’s great. I can’t wait,” He said before finishing off the remainder of his cotton candy. Kyungsoo barely touched his, he wasn’t a sweets guy by any stretch of the imagination. So when Jongin offered to finish it for him, he was eager to give it away. Briefly, he wondered could someone die from a sugar high because Jongin was quickly on his way to having one.

They tried their luck at a few more gaming stalls and casually walked around the carnival grounds while conversing with each other.

Nearing the time to leave, Jongin received a phone call. The person on the other end of the line was none other than Jiyoon. The nagging thoughts which advocated his selfishness surfaced in a flash, and it took everything Kyungsoo had not to interrupt their conversation. This was a day out with his friend, he didn’t like sharing his time with Jongin.

Yet, the weather wanted to irritate him all the same when he felt the smallest drop of rain hit his forehead. Another droplet fell onto his cheek and before he knew it, the rain poured down. In a rush to leave, Jongin lifted his jean jacket over their figures as they headed toward the parking lot.

When they reached outside the fair gates, Kyungsoo’s footsteps hesitated. He slowed his pace as he beheld the woman in the vehicle parked near the entrance. There, Jiyoon waited for them, and Jongin pulled him along toward the car.

Jiyoon rolled down the window, “Come on inside!” She shouted.

The dread pulsating within his limbs made Kyungsoo stop dead before the car. As Jongin entered the passenger side, he noticed Kyungsoo’s static frame.

“Hop on inside, Soo,”

The immense downpour of rain was long forgotten as the abominable feeling swelled inside the pits of Kyungsoo’s stomach.

He didn’t like this.

“No, you guys go on,” He yelled above the merciless pellets which made his voice nearly imperceptible. At this point, his clothes soaked up the rain like a sponge and weighed down against his body. Though he knew that it was raining and it would be logical to take the ride offered to him, he couldn't move. His feet cemented to ground refused to allow him that liberty.

“Are you sure?” Jongin’s eyes squinted in an expression of perturbation.

“Yea, I drove anyway, I’ll just walk to my car.” Kyungsoo replied, and Jongin gave him a nod before shutting the car door.

Kyungsoo watched with a heavy heart as the car drove away. Inside of his head, blaring crimson alarms set off, drowning out the rainstorm happening around him. Nothing stopped him from staring at the car as it grew smaller from the distance stretched between them. Only when the vehicle curved around a corner, did he allow the hollow feeling in his chest to subside.

 

 _Sunday, March 27th,_  
_On this day,_

 _Today was fun for the most part. It’s been so long since I went to a carnival with Jongin. I’ve missed that. We used to do it so much in high school. It’s nice to know some things don’t really change. But one thing bothered me about Jiyoon. I don’t know why Jongin…Anyway, I called Chanyeol back later and we actually had a nice talk without him hitting on me. I ended up cleaning much more than necessary again. It’s fine I guess, it distracted me for a while. I don’t know what to do with this feeling. It feels like something is about to happen and I’m not sure what._  
_My head is beginning to hurt, I should sleep this off._  
_Signing off for the night._  
_The day is over_  
_-DKS_

Unsettling thoughts roused him in the middle of the night. Kyungsoo hadn’t felt such disturbances in his sleep since his college days. Several years of his life passed without a hitch, his ability to plan allowed him to sleep in peace. But the tranquil puddle of his life experienced its first ripple within his dream, if he could call it that, it felt more like a nightmare. Anxiety of a storm brewing hit him full force, and he rose from his bed for the bathroom.

He flipped on the lights and ran cold water to splash against his face. Using a white towel, he patted down his cheeks and forehead before heading toward the kitchen for a glass of water.

After drinking two full glasses, he slipped back under the sheets and nestled in the warmth of his bed. Sleep didn’t come easy, but it came eventually, and this time around, he remained in his slumber.

 

 

The next week flew by in his usual fashion. Undeterred by the ominous feeling, he continued onward with his schedule like planned. There were meetings he attended along with client consultations. He arrived at work at the same time every morning and ended his nights after writing his journal entry of the day. Everything went smoothly, everything felt productive and everything seemed…

Normal.

It was normal, the way Jongin texted him Friday evening during the free time in his schedule so that they could enjoy dinner together.

It was normal for them to enjoy each other’s company while conversing about everything and nothing. A guys night out to bond and make new memories.

It was normal when he arrived to a fancy restaurant, dressed pristine and clad because these lavish establishments were the type of dining places Jongin frequented.

However, it was _not_ normal when Kyungsoo walked toward their reserved table and there sat Jiyoon, cozying up to the side of Jongin’s arm--his friend’s arm--as though they were overly familiar and well acquainted.

It was not normal how Jongin greeted him with an unusual strained grin which left more questions than answers.

It was not normal that Jongin informed him of this woman being his future wife.

Nothing could have prepared Kyungsoo for this. His mind blanked and his eyes widened in momentary bewilderment.

Everything around him drowned to the back of his mind. His conscience plummeted into an abyss of darkness, and he fluctuated through vague coherency. His vision lost focus, the dim lighting blurred in and out as his head mercilessly spun, displaying early signs of fainting. It became agonizing to breathe, words and questions caught within his throat and simmering there. The onslaught of pounds thumping against his ribcage ached to indescribable levels. Subtle tremors tortured his fingertips, and he slammed his eyes shut before staggering a step back.

Jongin’s voice was a faint distortion of vibrations in the waves of the dark ocean that submerged him. The call of his name became clearer the closer he floated to the surface. His limbs numb and relaxed, allowing his incapacitated body to move upward until Jongin reached his hand inside the water and hauled Kyungsoo into this cataclysmic reality.

“Kyungsoo?”

He emerged with a gasp, “I-I’m s-sorry, what was that?” The blank expression on his face didn’t subside as the news registered.

“Soo, I proposed to Jiyoon, she’s my fiance.” Shy smiles encased them both, and Kyungsoo could only stare. The lack of response prompted Jongin to clear his throat. Only then did Kyungsoo truly break from his reverie.

“C-congratulations,” He sputtered with a countenance that said nothing of his elation, but everything about his consternation. Kyungsoo attempted to maintain a cheerful grin, but he felt his lips flounder and his mirthful facade waver.

The dinner was devastating. It couldn’t have been anything else. Kyungsoo sat on the opposing side of the table while they told him the story of Jongin’s proposal and how they supposedly fell in love within the short span of one month. Nearing the end of their tales, they possessed the nerve to bring up their plans for the near future.

Their happiness hurtled to the depths of Kyungsoo’s stomach which hadn’t stopped aching since the crippling news. His stinging tears were nearly contained behind the guise of merriment, and his quivering fingers curled around a napkin along with slow haggard breathing. He somehow held it together within their presence, but barely.

It was too much. Too damn much; impossible, incomprehensible. His thoughts attempted to deny the situation, but the evidence sat before him all cuddled, cheery simpers and passionate touches.

He tried to listen, he truly did. But the piercing volume of his heart shattering into millions of microscopic pieces, which lied underneath his feet, was unbearably too loud. And he dare not step on the scattered fragments because it would induce even more pain.

However, Jongin had no qualms in doing what he dared not, as he looked Kyungsoo directly in the eyes with all the trust, joy and pride in the world and asked, “Would you be the one to plan our wedding?”

Fragments after fragments crushed under the pressure of Jongin’s footsteps; sharp, unforgiving stabs delivered precisely to the center of Kyungsoo’s heart that made him bleed crimson, blotting the depths of his soul until he couldn’t _feel_ anymore. The pain was too great.

Kyungsoo’s trembling lips curved into a feeble smile before he heard himself reply, “Sure.”


	2. Chapter 2

 

Everything changed.  
  
In all of his years of working as an event planner, he never harbored reluctance toward his career. It felt as though his occupation mocked him and laughed while pointing at him. Though he could have refused Jongin’s request, what type of friend would do so? Any other answer seemed unreasonable or downright wrong. Despite knowing this, maybe he still should have declined. The building stress hindered his creativity and blocked his usual rational when handling an event.   
  
While in his office filing through heaps of paperwork, there was a knock on his door. To his surprise, Baekhyun walked inside appearing every bit as glum as Kyungsoo felt.  
  
“I’m sorry Soo,”   
  
“What are you sorry about Baek?” He asked, though he had a good idea.   
  
“Man, who is this woman? I need to know,” He placed his palms onto Kyungsoo’s desk, “Dammit! I can’t believe Jongin dropped a fucking nuclear bomb like this and didn’t tell anyone.” He incredulously shook his head.   
  
Kyungsoo sighed, “Baek, I appreciate your concern, but really, there’s nothing much to be done. He likes her,”  
  
“Like?! I’m sorry, but you don’t propose to someone you simply  _like_.” That stung harsher than Kyungsoo imagined. Awfully true words spewed from Baekhyun’s lips, but Kyungsoo refused to admit it. Admitting such a thing would mean relinquishing to the notion that Jongin loved someone who was not him; someone who didn’t know Jongin as he did. His mind wouldn’t allow that. “What I’m saying is, what does she have that you don’t?”  
  
“For one, she’s not hiding her feelings from him.” He resigned from getting any work done and dropped the papers onto his desk.   
  
“Then you need to tell Jongin how you feel,” Baekhyun said, and Kyungsoo didn’t have the capability to deal with this right now.   
  
“There’s no point,”  
  
“Soo, there is. Be honest and tell him how you feel so that he’ll know, give him a chance to choose,”  
  
“Baek, I really don’t thin--”  
  
“Man the fuck up and tell him!” Baekhyun yelled.   
  
“And what will that solve?!” He abruptly stood from his chair fueled by anger, “I tell him how much I love him and then what?” He spat, “He’ll leave Jiyoon behind and marry me instead? Think with your brain Baekhyun. He’s clearly been planning this for some time. A sudden confession isn’t going to change his mind,” He dwindled, his words becoming softer as realization settled in, “He…” Kyungsoo choked up, “He’s already chosen his life partner.” Baekhyun’s frown deepened, his sympathetic eyes scrutinizing every inkling of Kyungsoo’s face.  
  
It was stifling under the condolatory glare that his employee held toward him. He felt utterly pathetic.   
  
“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun called softly, “If you don’t want to do this, I can. I will drop all of my other clients. Please, don’t do this to yourself.”  
  
Kyungsoo looked into his eyes with all the courage he could muster, “I’m fine,” He paused, “I’m fine. I can do this Baek...I...I will do this. For Jongin…”  
  
Silence encompassed their figures for a moment as they stared at one another. The heaviness of his proclamation sunk even further into his painful sea of doubt, fear and anxiety. Baekhyun eased through the searing tension with his concerns.  
  
“I want to help, I don’t want to see you hurting, Soo. Just let m--”  
  
“Baekhyun,” he interjected, “Let me do this, please...Please,” His gaze was pleading, a shining luster within his scleras. Baekhyun resigned with a defeated nod before he sulked out of Kyungsoo’s office. The CEO sighed heavy and collapsed into his chair. Burying his head inside of his palms, he wondered why life had to be unfair.  
  
  
  
_April 8th  
On this day,   
  
I lied to Baekhyun about being fine which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Today was one of the hardest days of my life. I had to look Jongin in the eyes and be happy but I can’t stand this. Today was my first consultation with the couple and I had to sit there while we discussed caterers and booked the venue. Their aim is to be married at the end of August at the haevichi resort on Jeju Island.   
I’m trying to understand how I didn’t see this coming. How I didn’t see how close they had gotten? I thought I knew him, I thought I understood him. Could it be me? Was I never around? We didn’t hang out as much as before, was that it? We didn’t go out for ice cream in the past month, was that it? We didn’t have our usual movie marathon on Sundays, was that the reason why he got close to her?   
I don’t like this, I don’t want to believe this. How could this happen to me?  
Life is unpredictable, I know. but I plan. I plan and plan, and this was not a part of my plan.  
But I have to be there, I have to show Jongin how much I care, because I do care and I want him to be happy and if this is how he will be happy then I can deal with this…for Jongin, for his happiness. Tomorrow I have to meet the couple for cake tasting. I hope it won’t be too bad.   
I’m so tired, just going to close my eyes and maybe if I shut them tight enough this nightmare will come to an end.   
-DKS_  
  
  
  
  
  
The nightmare was far from over when he woke up the next morning to an alarm which didn’t sound. The night before, he forgot to set it, and although he arrived to the caterers’ early, he berated himself for the deviation.   
  
With his planner and folder nestled in his arm, he waited for the couple inside the bakery. Moments later, the bewedded finally made their appearance together, walking hand in hand. Kyungsoo feigned to have never seen their connected appendages and greeted Jongin with a smile.   
  
“Morning Soo,” Jongin smiled, “It’s a bit early, but I have the later shift tonight. So how do we do this?”   
  
“Well, I called ahead of time so they have certain cakes prepared based on the style of the wedding. Since the wedding is vintage, they have designed cakes that are suited for that era. We’ll taste five cakes today. They fit within your budget and meet the size of your guest list as well.” Though Jongin was his closest friend, the professionalism within him seeped out. This was one part of his job that he enjoyed.   
  
The five cakes which they previously agreed upon were displayed further inside. Every cake had a unique flavor, design and height. They began with a neutral vanilla cake with white icing, traditional and organic.  
  
Jongin and Jiyoon tasted the cake, and Kyungsoo watched for their reactions. He perceived suitable reactions from them both and jotted down in his planner that the first cake scored a seven out of ten. For every cake they tried, he gauged their responses and asked questions pertaining to the taste and texture.   
  
Jiyoon had much to say, being the opinionated woman she was, however, Kyungsoo wasn’t the least bit interested in her opinion.   
  
“What do you think Jongin?”  
  
“I’m not really sure, I like them all to be honest. I wish we could buy them all.” Jiyoon laughed at his words, giddy and cheerful. It pulled a piercing envy out of Kyungsoo, who inwardly revulsed at the sounds of her happiness. Quickly, he rid the disgusting thought with a shake of his head.   
  
“Well, you’re supposed to compare and contrast, what did you like? What didn’t you like? There must be something,” Kyungsoo said.  
  
Jiyoon decided to add her thoughts, “I thought the first cake was rather normal, compared to the last one, which had more flavor. Stylistically, I love them all. So I think flavor matters more here. What do you think Jongin?” Her palm fell on Jongin’s bicep with a certain grace and ease that displayed their intimacy. Envy pushed against Kyungsoo’s chest once again, but he ordered it back down with a heavy sigh.  
  
“I think the last one definitely tasted the best. Soo, how about you?” With eyes locked on the connection of Jiyoon’s hand and Jongin’s arm, Kyungsoo didn’t hear the call of his name, “Soo?”  
  
“Huh?” He coughed, “Excuse me, what was the question again?”  
  
Jongin chuckled, “Which one did you like the best? You are my best man after all,”   
  
Kyungsoo gulped. Though he tasted the cakes as they did, he truly wasn’t paying attention. “Let me taste the last one again,” He started for the table, but before he could grab a slice of proffered cake, Jongin picked it up instead.   
  
“Here, Soo,” Jongin lifted the cake from the plate with his fingers and once again, decided to feed him. Pink tinted Kyungsoo’s cheeks and with a brief shift of his eyes to Jiyoon, he opened his mouth to allow him to place the desert in his mouth. Subtle nerves trickled up his spine because that was fairly intimate. Not only that, but Jongin had no problem feeding him in front of his fiance.  
  
If the display of affection bothered Jiyoon, she didn’t show it. Despite that, Kyungsoo felt pleased and it stirred his emotions further.  
  
“I like this one,” He said. Though he wasn’t certain if it was for the taste or because Jongin fed him.   
  
In an unanimous decision, they chose the last cake as the one for the wedding. It was a gorgeous ivory, three column vintage cake decorated with beaded straps in a swirling design. Atop of the cake sat a ruffled flower decoration in the shape of rose petals. The icing of the petals spiraled down the side of the cake. If Kyungsoo was being honest, he commended their taste, it certainly was beautiful. With a note in his planner, he finalized their decision and secured it for the special day.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The following weeks Kyungsoo met with the couple on numerous occasions and helped choose certain decorations that would suit the theme of the wedding. By the end of the third week since their first consultation, they vamped up a pretty hefty list of decor for the wedding which included: three tier dessert stands; toasting flutes champagne glasses with burlap flowers and lace; sheer white tablecloths with bird and branch lace table runners; gold moretti candelabra candlesticks; copper blush and rose gold glass pedestal bowls to hold flowers.   
  
Which led them here, a famous florist shop, Laura’s Flowers, to select the flowers to decorate the tables and the bride’s bouquet.   
  
Kyungsoo arrived early once again, though his morning was far from perfect. His alarm wasn’t set again, and he woke to an upset stomach and migraine. Not only that, but he forgot to accessorize his clothes and sort which outfit to wear. Consequently, he selected the first thing in his closet which was a pearly blue short sleeved polo along with bright khakis. The deep ebony strands of his hair were styled back with a short bang swooped to one side.   
  
While examining the flowers near the entrance, the chime above the door rang with a jingle and Kyungsoo lifted his head. Jiyoon stepped through the entrance alone wearing a floral sundress. He waited to see if Jongin would follow after, but to his awful surprise and confusion, the pediatrician was nowhere to be found.   
  
“Good afternoon,” Jiyoon said as she walked toward him. Kyungsoo’s eyes trained on the entrance as he hoped and prayed for Jongin to miraculously appear. “It’s only you and me, Jongin messaged me and said he got called in today.” Just as Kyungsoo feared. The thought of Jiyoon accompanying him today alone caused his mood to deflate immensely.   
  
With a strained grin, he said, “Oh, great.” When this situation couldn’t have been further from  _great_. The urge to reschedule this meeting struck him hard, but they already arrived and the drive to the shop was long. He was determined to get through this, if not for himself, but for Jongin. “We’ll start over here.” He gestured toward an aisle of colorful roses.   
  
Awkward would be an understatement as they ventured down the various aisles in silence. A low hum of interest there, a praising nod here, as they continued walking along side by side. It would be abnormal for a conversation to develop, given the trite nature of his disinclination. There weren’t many instances when he conversed with Jiyoon while Jongin was absent, certain that they didn’t have much to discuss between them--No mutual friends aside from Jongin, no similar interest, hobbies, probably morals too. She couldn’t have been more perpendicular to Kyungsoo if she desperately tried. Which raised an intriguing question of what Jongin saw in her.   
  
Jiyoon gracefully pulled a strand of hair behind her ear as she peered down at a lavish bundle of orchids, “I really like these,” She said, breaking the tense silence. Kyungsoo knew they would have to discuss the flowers, but it came all too soon. His thoughts still drifted along the intriguing personality traits which Jongin liked and disliked.   
  
Yet, when he saw Jiyoon lift the flowers to her nose for a whiff, he spoke up, “Ah, white orchids which mean innocence, beauty and elegance. Those are a nice pick.” His hands reached out to grab a bundle of exuberant roses, “But I think Jongin would like roses. He’s a hopeless romantic after all.” He smiled while looking at the flowers.   
  
“Hmm. I guess roses are good too,” Jiyoon agreed, her voice laced with uncertainty, “What about baby’s breath, lilacs, or sweet peas?” she inquired, and Kyungsoo gave it some thought before answering.  
  
“I think Jongin would like water lilies and stephanotis, maybe some cherry blossoms. It’s really hard to say, but roses for sure.” Kyungsoo pursed his lips. “Very bright colors, such as fuchsia or orange to match his personality,”  
  
“I was thinking about softer tones like coral, cream, and maybe lavender,”  
  
“It’s up to you, I’m just speaking for Jongin and what he likes,”  
  
“You seem to know much about him,”   
  
“I’ve known him since high school,” His braggadocio showcased itself through the pride in his voice which he did nothing to hide.   
  
“But you guys separated in college, right?” Knocked down a peg from that haughty pedestal, he nodded with exertion.   
  
“Yes, we went into different career paths, so we couldn’t attend the same school.” Those six years were difficult, he would attest. However, they kept in contact, though not as much as Kyungsoo would have liked. Their relationship faded into infrequent exchange of emails only for a short phase before Jongin returned to Korea. He studied at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine and traveled to the United States to attend. Left in Korea, Kyungsoo attended the local university and graduated with a degree in business management.   
  
Two distinct paths led them to separate for a while, but their friendship survived the distance and they were able to pick up right where they left off. Well, not entirely where they left off, because the emotions Kyungsoo harbored toward the pediatrician became fonder.   
  
What was that saying about distance and the heart?  
  
“It’s great he came back, otherwise, I wouldn’t have met him,” Jiyoon said, and for some odd reason, it sounded like a challenge to Kyungsoo.   
  
“He came back because he has family and  _friends_  here, so it’s only natural,”  
  
“Yes that’s true, and I’ll soon be a part of that  _family_.” Harsh. It felt like a blatant smack to the face, and Kyungsoo rolled his tongue inside his cheek. “I know you don’t like me Kyungsoo.” That surprised him, and he brought his gaze to look at her face which he had been avoiding.  
  
“I don’t dislike you.” The lies he told would certainly make his mom weary.   
  
Jiyoon scoffed, “You don’t, I can tell.” Her gaze wavered slightly, “You don’t need to tell me why, but we can at least get through this,”  
  
“Jiyoon...” That name was foreign on his tongue, “A friend of Jongin’s is a friend of mine,”  
  
“That’s the thing Kyungsoo, I’m not just his friend. I’m the woman who he’s going to marry in August,”   
  
It stabbed and tore at his heart. His chest constricted with an ache that wouldn’t cease. The gratuitous reminder rendered his limbs paralyzed and settled his expression into a blank glare.  
  
“I know very well who you are,” He said.   
  
“Then isn’t it time to accept that I’m here?”  
  
Kyungsoo looked away and down at the flowers, “What do you want from me?” His eyes held drawn tears inside which became more lustrous with every second. He blinked them away quickly, refusing to be this vulnerable before Jiyoon.   
  
“I want us to get along,” She paused, “Because you’re important to Jongin. He never stops talking about you.” Despite his mangled emotions, that bit of information made his heart lighter, “Jongin thinks highly of you, Kyungsoo. And even though we’re getting married, I want it to be okay with you. I want things to be good between us. So can we do that?”  
  
Time was a commodity which he desperately needed. It would allow him the space to accept this marriage, and to accept Jiyoon as the person who Jongin chose. However, time was never on his side when he needed it most. Not now, and not in the past when he first discovered his emotions for Jongin.   
  
“We can do that.” He lifted his gaze, “It’s okay with me, really. As long as Jongin is happy,”   
  
“Okay.” Jiyoon gave a small smile which Kyungsoo attempted to return, though it strained him to do so.   
  
“So,” He sighed, “Did you want to go with the orchids?”  
  
She looked at him with a sense of contemplation in her gaze before saying, “I think...I’ll choose those roses.”   
  
  
  
_April 18th  
On this day,  
  
Things are getting harder. It hurts so much. Can I really do this? I just want to be here for Jongin but he chose her and I have to accept that like she said. But maybe I like clinging onto this hate because I know once it’s gone I will have to deal with the pain that comes after. I wish I could tell him how I feel but I can’t. My emotions are buried so deep...can I even reach them? I just don't know what to do. This is starting to affect my schedule. I haven’t woken up on time since that dinner. I keep forgetting to pick out clothes the night before. I haven’t gone out for my morning jogs. I keep misplacing documents. My mind is everywhere.   
Chanyeol calls and I talk to him sometimes, it’s nice. He helps me take my mind off Jongin for a little while. He makes me laugh but then I start thinking about the wedding again. Maybe I should talk to Chanyeol more...I think it would help me with these feelings. But the wedding, for Jongin...for his happiness, I can do this.   
I need to sleep, this nightmare still hasn’t ended.  
-DKS_  
  
  
  
  
  


  
The stress continued to build as Kyungsoo attended numerous consultations with Jongin and Jiyoon. In a show of favoritism, he made Jongin’s wedding his top priority and assigned two of his other clients to his employees, Kris and Sehun.   
  
The days dragged along with a heaviness that clung to his movements. The pressure of the daunting wedding began to weigh him down further and further.   
  
Saxophone classes still continued as normal every Saturday along with Jongdae’s unabating reminders of his upcoming performance. They chose a song at his previous lesson and began prasticing for the amatuer night. Though still ridden with anxiety, excitement was merely second in tandem of his emotions, confidence coming in third. When not riddled with work related matters, he practised for long periods of time.   
  
One Friday, he marked down in his planner to practise that evening, but Jongin contacted him about visiting the hospital to hang out during his break on the night shift. Of course, Kyungsoo agreed. He could never say no to Jongin when the man requested anything of him. Planning this wedding served as a prime example.  
  
In only a matter of minutes, he arrived at the hospital. Jongin hadn’t finished his shift yet, so the pediatrician asked him to come inside. While making his rounds, he offered to take Kyungsoo on a tour. The CEO wouldn’t miss a chance to spend time with Jongin, and they made short stops at different rooms.   
  
Upon their entrance into his patients’ room, the children greeted Jongin with radiance. The entire room lit up with energy, infectious and awe-inspiring.   
  
Witnessing Jongin interact with the children tugged at Kyungsoo’s heartstrings. The eternal smile carved on Jongin’s face made him irresistible. His glowing eyes displayed a youthful charm and boyish nature which revealed his earnest love for his job.   
  
Unknowingly, Kyungsoo fell deeper in love.  
  
“The next room is Minseok, remember him?”   
  
Kyungsoo nodded, “Sure do. The one who has good taste in jokes.” He smiled until Jongin shot him an unimpressed glare, which in turn, pushed that smile into soft chuckles.  
  
Jongin stepped inside the room with Kyungsoo steady on his heels. The urge to coo swelled when Kyungsoo caught sight of the young boy wrapped in his white bed sheets. The other kids were undeniably adorable, but this boy had the puffiest cheeks making him the cutest. Those round cheeks ate his entire face, his curved eyes waned into the clefts of his eyelids with small, pouty lips. Kyungsoo could pinch those cheeks for hours and never tire of it.  
  
Jongin snickered, “Cute, isn’t he?” He grinned, “Minnie, I have a guest here,”  
  
The boys eyes landed upon Kyungsoo, and he beamed widely displaying a toothy grin. The smile from Kyungsoo was involuntary, an unconscious response to the boy. How could anyone  _not_  smile when Minseok did? Seemed impossible to the CEO.  
  
“Hi!” The boy waved, and Kyungsoo waved back.  
  
“Hello Minseok, I’m Kyungsoo,”  
  
“He’s a friend of mine,” Jongin informed, hands clasping the clipboard in his palms. He flipped through the papers, “Minnie, have you been eating your dinner?”  
  
The boy pouted, crossed his arms and shook his head.   
  
Jongin sighed.  
  
Kyungsoo felt his heart melt from the onslaught of cuteness.   
  
“I don’t like the food here,” Minseok said. Kyungsoo couldn’t blame the boy, it was really disgusting. From what he could remember anyway, it had been years since he was in a hospital.   
  
“I know Minnie. The food may not be the best, but you need to eat to grow and for nutrients. You want to be a big boy, right?” Minseok nodded his head, his lips still protruding out into a sulky pout. “Then you have to eat your food, all of it. Look at Kyungsoo here.” Jongin gestured toward him, “He eats all of his food and now he’s a big boy.” Minseok looked up at him with doubtful eyes that waited for confirmation.  
  
Moving closer to the bed, Kyungsoo said, “That’s right Minseok, even the nasty vegetables.” He twinkled his nose and made a playful sour face that succeeded in making the boy giggle.   
  
“Okay,” Minseok said.  
  
“Good.” Jongin pulled out his phone, “Do you want to take a photo with Kyungsoo, so you can remember to eat well and become strong?”  
  
“Yes!”   
  
“Jongin you have to get in the photo too,” Kyungsoo said.  
  
Jongin maneuvered closer so that the three of them could fit into the frame of his camera. He held his phone up and snapped three photos before sending them to Kyungsoo’s phone.   
  
The sweet moment was interrupted when the last person Kyungsoo wanted to see walked inside the room. Clad in dark blue scrubs, Jiyoon appeared with a grin.   
  
“Hey Jongin, we need your opinion on one patient,” She informed, “Hey Minseok.” She waved at the boy, “And hello Kyungsoo,”She added almost as if he was an afterthought.   
  
Kyungsoo took that as his cue to leave. After saying a proper goodbye to Minseok and promising to visit again, he left the hospital.  
  
  
  
As he returned home, self-inflicting thoughts plagued the contours of his mind. He felt stupid; stupid for failing to reel in his emotions. He never wanted to love Jongin so profoundly, but everything the man did was far too lovable. From his occupation to the way he treated his family and friends, Jongin was a pure and amiable guy. Kyungsoo admired and respected him.   
  
Therefore, he didn’t know what to do with these emotions.   
  
Jiyoon and Jongin were a match made in heaven. A doctor and nurse who both treated and cared for unhealthy children. Who was he to come between something that was so perfect in society’s eyes? Though he despised the thought of those two together, he couldn’t deny that they were two good natured people who fell in love.  
  
He threw his keys onto his kitchen table and snatched the buttons loose from his shirt. Tossing his shirt aimlessly onto the floor, he started for a shower. Under the tranquil pour of water, thoughts of Jongin continued to infiltrate his mind.  
  
After drying himself off and applying pajamas, he searched around the higher shelf of his closet and pulled out an old photo album. Settling down onto his bed with the book in his palms, he began to flip through the pages.   
  
In his photo book of memories were moments captured of Jongin and him during their teenage years in high school. During those times, Kyungsoo was an outcast for being anal-retentive and meticulous about his planning and wore sharp rectangular glasses. Yet, Jongin talked to him anyway, never caring for those who deemed him weird or a nerd. Back then, Kyungsoo never trusted anyone because friendships never lasted and people grew apart. But somehow, Jongin clobbered through his defensive walls with very little effort.   
  
After all, Jongin was a massive storm of drastic proportions. Kyungsoo was powerless against his typhoon of charming smiles and hurricanes of stale jokes. He couldn't resist the effortless charm and allure Jongin possessed if he wanted to. And, he didn’t want to.  
  
Kyungsoo smiled, though it didn’t reach his eyes. Staring at the photos, he felt the dense and familiar pull around his ducts. With each flip of a page, the memories manifested inside his mind like he was there in those moments experiencing them for the first time. He remembered how it felt to have Jongin in his life at that time.   
  
Jongin beside him was a blessing in disguise because the path of solitude was indeed bleak and dreary. Yet, when accompanied by someone whose shine could compete with the stars, it was impossible not to gravitate toward such radiance and desire to shine like that as well.   
  
His fingertips traveled the pages over the printed film as small drops of tears fell onto the photos. He wiped his cheeks with a quick swipe of his hand, and sniffed before clearing his throat. A flurry of emotions billowed inside, and what better way to allow them to escape than to write them down...  
  
  
  
_May 13th,  
  
I went to the hospital today and visited Jongin. He took me on a tour and it was nice. I was able to meet a young boy named Minseok, who doesn’t like the food or Jongin’s jokes. I like this kid already.   
Jongin was perfect with those kids. They seem to love him and he loves them in return. It could be seen in his eyes, like everything else. The way he looks and stares with full attention, is something he’s done since I met him and he continues to do it. He has a way of making people feel important.   
I don’t want to do this. I want more than a friendship but it’s impossible and I don’t what to do.   
I look at the photo with the three of us and I imagine us as a family.  
I started to understand that my love is too deep, it’s too raw and sometimes I scare myself.   
Maybe separating from Jongin for a while will help.   
Tonight my heart hurts and aches for him but I need to move on. I need to let him go because if I don’t, what will I become? Can I truly be there for him in his moment of happiness?   
It’s early but I think I’m just going to sleep. I can practise some other time.   
-DKS_  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The days after were like a blur.   
  
Kyungsoo attended work and nearly kept up with his obligations. However, there was a noticeable shift in his schedule.   
  
It began with the lack of alarm clocks. Then, his unnatural clothing selection followed. Kyungsoo noticed the skipped days of his journal. He no longer wrote daily but randomized dates with no correlation or pattern.   
  
His schedule reflected the shape of his emotions--scattered, disturbed and troubled. He couldn't remember the last time he jogged around the park before work, nor ate his meals at an appropriate time. Sleepless nights grew in accordance to his unbalanced state. Kyungsoo saw the bags under his eyes begin to deepen, and he tried to obtain the adequate amount of sleep but his thoughts about Jongin refused to yield. His days became longer and his nights shorter.   
  
It continued in a downward spiral until Baekhyun discerned the irregular patterns of his behavior. But it wasn’t until Kyungsoo arrived to work late for the  _fifth_  time, did Baekhyun decide to intervene.  
  
  
  
In the break room, Kyungsoo rested in a chair with a cup of hot black coffee. He massaged his temples with his fingers before pinching the bridge of his nose.   
  
“Hey Soo.” No response. Baekhyun thought to try again, “Soo?”  
  
Kyungsoo jerked with an agitated grunt, and he rolled his neck, “Stop calling me that,” He murmured, his voice ladened with grogginess.   
  
Baekhyun ignored him as he always did, “Soo, you look horrible,”  
  
“Enough with that nickname, Baekhyun I’m serious,”   
  
“Alright, whatever. Anyway, I think we should do something, you know? Maybe go out for drinks to take a break from everything,”  
  
The heavy sigh from Kyungsoo's lips couldn’t compete with the wearied body which expelled it, “You know I have a schedule to uphold,”   
  
“And I also know that you make time for Jongin whenever, so you can find time for your other friends,” Baekhyun snidely remarked.   
  
“Okay, fine. We can go out Saturday. Who’s all going?”  
  
“Just me, you, Kris and probably Chanyeol.” At the mention of his pursuer’s name, Kyungsoo shook his head.  
  
“No, no way. Not with Chanyeol. He keeps texting me and holding a conversation with him is tiresome.”  
  
Baekhyun shrugged, “Okay, if Chanyeol doesn’t come, will you join us?”  
  
“Yea sure.” He nodded blankly as he stood from his seat.   
  
“Okay! Let’s have a blast!” Baekhyun yelled. Kyungsoo’s face twisted with displeasure at the volume of his voice within the small room.   
  
“Keep your voice down.” Kyungsoo tossed his foam cup into the trash bin, “And who says ‘blast’?” Baekhyun rolled his eyes with a huff, and the tiniest grin crept onto Kyungsoo’s lips.  
  
  
  
He knew better than to trust Baekhyun. The persistent need to perpetuate decorum kept him from parading out the nightclub as soon as he entered. Not to mention, Baekhyun spotted him the moment he walked through the door. And lo and behold, Chanyeol was there. The tall man sat with the rest of the talkative lot huddled inside a black, leather arciform booth.   
  
“Glad you could make it!” Baekhyun yelled above the pulsation of EDM from the speakers. Again, he thought to leave because the only space available was beside Chanyeol. Kyungsoo recognized a setup as good as any other, and he wanted to introduce Baekhyun to his dear old friend--balled fist.  
  
“Yea, yea,” He replied while taking the seat beside the accountant. Kris greeted with a short wave before he lifted his beer around the neck to take a swallow.  
  
“Hey Kyungsoo.” The underlying tones of excitement were present no matter how cool and nonchalant Chanyeol attempted to sound. If Kyungsoo was honest with himself, he would admit that he had some respect for Chanyeol. The man had enough courage to chase after the person he desired to have, which is far more than what Kyungsoo could say for himself.   
  
“Hey Chanyeol,”  
  
“So what made you come out tonight?” Kyungsoo knew there was no way to escape this conversation. Typically, he refused to join them, so Chanyeol’s inquiry was justifiable.   
  
“I just wanted to get out and try something different,”  
  
“That’s cool.” Chanyeol leaned back and stretched his limbs in a painfully obvious attempt to place his arm behind Kyungsoo. The CEO allowed him. The energy to combat Chanyeol’s advances was nonexistent at the time. “So...” He scooted over closer to Kyungsoo, “We should go to a batting range some time like we used to in college,”  
  
“That was a long time ago,”  
  
“Yea, but we had fun, didn’t we?”   
  
“That’s true,” Kyungsoo turned his body toward the other, “Remember when we used to go into those music stores and listen to music for hours?” He asked and Chanyeol laughed.   
  
“They had to tell us to leave,” He smiled, “Or what about that time when you lost your planner, and found it in Luhan’s room. I swear the wrath of Satan had nothing on you. Poor boy, he was scared of you for weeks,”  
  
“As my roommate, he shouldn’t have touched my things. He had it coming,” Kyungsoo chuckle at the memory.   
  
Luhan was such a meddlesome roommate. The boy was talkative and very outgoing. If not for Chanyeol acting as a buffer between them, Kyungsoo would have unleashed his rage. In those days, spending time with Chanyeol seemed much easier, he mused.   
  
What changed? Was it because Jongin returned? Kyungsoo contemplated briefly before he heard Chanyeol’s voice again.   
  
“Want to dance?” Chanyeol asked, and Kyungsoo shot him down with a terse shake of his head.   
  
“Oh, live a little Soo,” Baekhyun said as he bobbed his head to the bass. Weird and nonsensical body movements commenced after, and if Baekhyun thought those “smooth” moves were enough incentive for him to dance, he was horribly mistaken. “Fine, let’s get you something to drink then, beer?”   
  
“I don’t drink,” Kyungsoo deadpanned as his foot tapped to the addictive rhythm. The song wasn’t bad, in fact, he actually enjoyed the hard-hitting bass and synthesizer. The last time he accompanied anyone to a nightclub was years ago. He found comfort inside of his apartment and audiobooks more these days.  
  
“What about a martini?” Kris asked.   
  
“No thanks.” Kyungsoo cut the air with his arm in a horizontal motion. Kris shrugged and continued drinking his Corona.   
  
“Come on.” Baekhyun shimmied to Kris’s side, advertently forcing the tall man from the booth. After standing with a brief stretch, he pulled on Kyungsoo’s arm, “Come dance with me. If you aren’t going to drink, then let’s get out there and shake a tail feather,”  
  
Kyungsoo’s face contorted in a quizzical expression, and Chanyeol exploded in laughter.  
  
“The fact that you just said that means we are far too old to be in here,” With a deft grab of the table, Kyungsoo pulled back, holding onto the table for dear life, “Baek, I really have two left feet…”  
  
Baekhyun chuckled, “It’s fine, no one will pay attention anyway. We’re here to have fun Soo, let loose,”  
  
With the pressure of Chanyeol’s hand on his back pushing him forward and the pull from Baekhyun, he was forced from his seat. Baekhyun walked backwards into the crowd luring Kyungsoo with his fingers in a  _come hither_  gesture. With a resigned shake of his head, Kyungsoo followed after him with Chanyeol in tow.   
  
There were many things he expected when he stepped onto the dance floor--to be left alone in the corner bobbing his head, to be grinded upon or to grind on someone perhaps--but being sandwiched in between Baekhyun and Chanyeol was not one of them.   
  
Strange as it seemed, he enjoyed it. The silly and scant, off-beat moves from Baekhyun convinced him that he wouldn’t appear as the worst dancer on the floor. There was no way that his mild two step competed with what looked like a butterfly-bootypop combination. If that was what you called it.   
  
Chanyeol, on the other hand, stood behind him and swayed to the beat in a rather normal fashion. Eventually, Kyungsoo felt the music control his limbs and before he knew it, he danced like never before. Inhibitions broken free, his body had a mind of its own. Being so immersed in dancing, he hadn’t noticed when Kris joined them looking every bit as wasted as Baekhyun danced.   
  
Surrounded by his friends, Kyungsoo laughed loudly, made silly facial expressions, danced like no one was watching, and had the most fun he’d had in months. His thoughts took a momentary break from work, from Jongin and the wedding. And in many ways, he was thankful toward Baekhyun for inviting him out. It was just what he needed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baekhyun is such a great friend. Poor poor Soo :((


	3. Chapter 3

 

Over the past two weeks, communication with the pediatrician began to dwindle. He talked to Jongin twice about the wedding. Their customary dinners ceased because Jongin attended dinner with his future wife and her family. With time apart from Jongin, it allowed Kyungsoo to bond with Chanyeol and Baekhyun. His days were spent hanging around with them and visiting different places: the movies, the lake, the batting ranges, and more nightclubs. Jongin infiltrated his mind on some nights, but he dismissed those thoughts as quickly as they came.  
  
To rid the emotions he harbored for so long, he needed to distance himself.   
  
Though in that distance, he failed to realize that emotions didn’t sway over night and it would take time. There were moments when he felt impatient with himself, disappointed that he couldn’t get over his emotions already. Addictions were difficult to overcome, and he wished there was a rehabilitation center that helped with a damaged heart.   
  
Even now, as the woodwind instrument felt heavy in his palms, he wanted to see Jongin.   
  
At Giulia's Lounge, the audience ran deep with musicians and jazz fans who were here to listen and drink. Amatuer night was overwhelmingly popular with the locals, and Kyungsoo felt nerves prickle up his spine. He counted down from one hundred inside his head, fingertips gripping tighter with every passing moment.   
  
Chanyeol was there along with Baekhyun for moral support. But deep down, Kyungsoo wanted one person there beside him. That person would make everything alright.   
  
Jongin knew of this performance, but Kyungsoo didn’t remind him. Lately, talking to Jongin became difficult. Though contact was sparse, it was just enough. Their friendship still very much existed but it was unlike before. Kyungsoo spoke to Jongin only when needed in an attempt to distance himself, but the pediatrician crept into his mind like a daydream prepared to be prodded.   
  
There was no escape. Not until his feelings completely disappeared, which didn’t seem likely anytime soon. Especially since the last time he looked into the crowd he hadn’t seen said male. But there, Jongin stood amongst his friends with a bright smile. Kyungsoo didn’t see him arrive, and it was surprising to see him here.   
  
It wasn’t long before he was announced to take the stage, and he walked up the three steps while inhaling deep breaths. The light which spied down blinded his retinas for only a moment before his eyes shifted down toward Jongin whose gaze met his instantly. Kyungsoo gulped as those brown, expectant eyes stared at him, never moving. They penetrated hard, reaching deep inside of him and stirring his heart. Butterflies be damned, the feelings emanated from Jongin’s stare were far more thrilling.   
  
The music droned on in the background, and he took a few more deeps breaths to steady his racing heart. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure whether it were the copious amounts of onlookers or the unyielding stare from Jongin which made his heart race. In any case, his lips fells onto the mouthpiece and he began to play.   
  
The song he practised began with a slight error and he inwardly cursed himself for the mistake. But after said occurrence, the remainder of his performance went smoothly. When he finished the last note and the accompanying band closed out the number, the crowd erupted in applause.   
  
Such open praises made a humongous smile stretch across his face. And the whooping and hollering from his small cluster of friends made his cheeks tint a pink hue. Baekhyun was the most embarrassing with the boisterous chants of his name along with stomping and clapping. If his friend hadn’t reached the ultimate level of extra, then he didn’t know who did.   
  
As he descended the stairs, they crowded around him, all smiles and wide eyes of amazement. The rare bashful nature found Kyungsoo, who tilted his head down with hushed words of  _thank you_  leaving his lips.   
  
The most rewarding was Jongin’s compliments of his rendition. Although this performance began with heaps of nerves, it ended with a sense of accomplishment.   
  
From the other side of the lounge, Jongdae held up a thumb along with an ecstatic smile. Kyungsoo nodded, certain that his teacher would mow him down with praises later.  
  
“That was wonderful Soo, I knew you had it in you!” Baekhyun gleamed, his grin the widest.  
  
“You were amazing!” Chanyeol said before wrapping his arm around Kyungsoo in a side hug. The CEO’s body stiffened, and an awkward beat of silence followed the abrupt show of affection.  
  
“Yea Kyungsoo, you did really well. I’m impressed,” Jongin added, “You know, you used to be horrible and all,” He chuckled.  
  
“Oh whatever.” Kyungsoo softly laughed along with Jongin.   
  
“Want to head to dinner?” Though three people stood around Jongin, everyone knew the question was directed toward Kyungsoo.   
  
There would be nothing gained if he went to dinner with Jongin. It had been weeks since they shared dinner together, and he didn’t want to taint an otherwise polished record.   
  
“Maybe next time?” Kyungsoo said, and he saw Jongin’s expression visibly fall for fleeting moment.   
  
“Alright Soo,” The disappointment in his voice almost made Kyungsoo waver in his decision. He never wanted to hurt Jongin, but he had his own feelings to worry about.   
  
“Thank you for coming, I really appreciate it,”  
  
“No problem, I said I would make it. I’ll talk to you soon.” The drop in Jongin’s mood was evident, and Kyungsoo immediately regretted rejecting him, but didn’t voice it. “See you guys later.”  
  
“See you later, Jongin,” Kyungsoo said. Jongin left the building, and Baekhyun slung an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder.  
  
“You okay?” Baekhyun asked, and Kyungsoo nodded.   
  
“Why wouldn’t he be okay?” Chanyeol asked, his tone doused in confusion.   
  
Baekhyun rolled his eyes, “It’s nothing Chanyeol, lets just go.”  
  
  
  
  
_May 28th,  
  
  
Today was nerve wracking. I had to perform for the first time and I messed up at the beginning. I wanted to run off the stage at that moment but I saw my friends out there and it made me change my mind. I was happy Chanyeol and Baekhyun were there. Baekhyun was still too loud for his own good, but he’s a good friend. Being around Chanyeol was easier when he’s not trying to date me. I guess I can understand him to a certain extent.   
Jongin kept looking at me. I don’t know what it is about his stare, but it made my heart flutter.   
I hate this feeling. One day I want to be near him and the next I want to be so far away from him. It’s like an emotional rollercoaster moving up and down and in loops.  
How do I ever get off this ride? Will I ever be able to get off?  
I just want my feelings to disappear already.   
Can I sleep until these feelings are gone?  
-DKS  
  
  
  
June 17th,  
  
Today was another reminder that he’s getting married. We booked the photographer and videographer for the wedding and the entertainment for the reception.   
Other days when Jongin calls, I don’t answer. He knocks on my door and I act like I’m not home. I don’t know what to do. I feel bad when he reaches out to me and I ignore him unless it’s about the wedding. It’s eating me up to hurt him like this. I wish this could be over. When can I look into his eyes and feel nothing? When can I be around him and not want to touch him? When can I listen to his words and not drown in his voice or stare at those lips I want to kiss?  
I’m going crazy. I can’t stand this.   
Oh Chanyeol. He comes around more. He makes me laugh and forget. I especially like it when he talks about music. It makes me feel better. He’s so knowledgeable about it too and plays many instruments I could only dream about playing.   
It’s not too bad to have someone around who wants me, who wants to be something more with me. I haven’t felt that way in a long time. It’s a good feeling.  
Better than what I’m feeling when I’m with Jongin right now.  
I need sleep.  
-DKS_  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“And you know, you should totally listen to more of Korean pop, I think you’ll really enjoy that kind of music especially this group called EXO,” Chanyeol said as he took a swig of his water. He placed the glass on Kyungsoo’s coffee table before leaning back into the couch.   
  
“Hmm, I don’t know. I’m more into American rhythm and blues these days, but we’ll see,” Kyungsoo said as he placed spaghetti onto two plates. He cooked at home more often than he did in the past, and Chanyeol came over to gorge.   
  
Kyungsoo didn’t mind, the company kept his thoughts occupied most days. Though Chanyeol was a persistent bastard, he was still a friend who Kyungsoo shared many hobbies and interests with.   
  
Actually, talking to Chanyeol was a pleasant experience when he wasn’t openly flirting or trying to make a move on him. Kyungsoo enjoyed their deep conversation about aspirations in life and music. They babbled about different music genres but mainly jazz and blues. There was a soft spot he had for the tall accountant since no one understood his love for the art other than Chanyeol.  
  
He offered the plate to the man, and Chanyeol accepted it in his palm. While eating on the couch and listening to jazz, they engaged in conversation between. Kyungsoo laughed when Chanyeol smeared sauce on his cheek from overstuffing his mouth. The buffoon had a way of being adorably clumsy, and Kyungsoo wiped his cheek with a napkin unconsciously. He thought nothing of the gesture but the same couldn’t be said for the other.  
  
“Kyunsgoo?”   
  
“Hmm?” He stuffed another spoonful inside his mouth.  
  
“Could you tell me why you choose to be single for so long?”  
  
Kyungsoo slowed his chewing before he swallowed. Sighing, he replied, “Chanyeol, don’t start. I was actually enjoying our evening,”  
  
“It’s not that, I’m just really curious is all. I mean, you’re successful and good looking. So why is it that you don’t have anyone? If not me, then someone else?”  
  
“Well, to be honest, I’ve never wanted to date anyone,”  _Besides Jongin._  
  
“Really?”   
  
“Yes, really…” Kyungsoo placed his plate on the coffee table, “I’m trying to work on it, I guess, but I’m not sure what I want. My standards seem pretty high.” He laughed though there was no humor in it, “My standards are impossible…”  
  
“Do you like someone Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol shifted in his seat with eyes of anticipation.   
  
“No, there’s no one.” Maybe if he expressed it aloud enough, he would begin to think it, “Chanyeol, I think you should find someone who’s emotionally available at the moment,”  
  
“You aren’t available because you don’t allow yourself to be. So what it is really?”  
  
His eye twitched, casting downward, “I’d rather not talk about this.” He spoke slowly with a tone of finality.   
  
Chanyeol nodded, “Alright, just know, I’m here for you...I’ll always be here for you Kyungsoo.” His eyes moved up to lock with Chanyeol’s, and what stared back at him made his heart leap. Sincerity shone within the depths of his irises, and Kyungsoo found himself staring back. It was unlike any proclamations Chanyeol had made before. It was a statement which held dense weight and honesty.   
  
How to deal with someone’s emotions other than his own was something Kyungsoo never excelled in. Silence became the responder for a reply which was forfeited to the spinning of his mind. He shifted in his seat, as did Chanyeol, to accommodate the space between them.  
  
The closer Chanyeol moved, the higher Kyungsoo’s nerves escalated. Their proximity overwhelmed him, and rustled his emotions for a mere moment.   
  
Abruptly, three knocks sounded from the door. Without hesitation, Kyungsoo stood and hurried to answer it. The heat from his cheeks died down as he turned the knob. In front of his doorframe stood the very person he didn’t want to see right now, the one who he refused to see.  
  
“Hey Soo, mind if I come in?”  
  
“Who is it?” Chanyeol appeared from behind the opened door, eyes falling upon Jongin, “Oh, hey Jongin,”   
  
“Um, Hey Chanyeol.” Jongin scratched behind his head, “Mind if I talk to Soo, alone?”  
  
“Oh no, I was just leaving,” Chanyeol said before he leaned over to whisper in Kyungsoo’s ear. The shorter’s breath hitched when Chanyeol’s lips brushed against the shell of his ear, “Don’t forget what I said,” His voice was deep and resonating.   
  
“Okay,” Kyungsoo whispered with a slight nod. Chanyeol left after giving a heartfelt pat on Jongin’s shoulder.  
  
Then, there were two.   
  
The atmosphere was stiff. Kyungsoo shuffled to the side, allowing Jongin space to enter. He should have predicted such an incident would occur, especially after the avoidance he implored upon the pediatrician. Yet, his assumptions proved inadequate of that possibility.   
  
Jongin cleared his throat, successfully snapping Kyungsoo from his thoughts.  
  
“So, what did you want to talk about?” Kyungsoo asked as he cleared the table of their plates and glasses.  
  
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Jongin stated with certainty. Kyungsoo’s motions hesitated while he placed the items in the sink, but he continued doing so as though his heart hadn’t just skipped.   
  
“I have not,” He said with a nonchalance to his voice, though he inwardly berated himself. He never lied to Jongin, not one time in all of their years of friendship. This was monumental, and he didn’t think he possessed the courage to lie, yet it rolled of his tongue with ease.  _Would it have been so easy months ago?_  
  
“Soo,” Jongin called, “ You are. You haven’t answered all of my texts, only the ones dealing with the wedding, and you also don’t pick up your phone like you used to,”  
  
Who knew it was easy to lie but difficult to maintain that fabrication without being caught within a web of deception. Where was the line drawn between an untruth statement that did harm and one which did not? Did it lie with the principle of the fabrication split into two separate roles: the liar, and the one being lied to? Point of view? Where did lying begin and where did it end? Because Kyungsoo didn’t know how to lie. Not to Jongin.   
  
But, he did.  
  
“Work just has me swamped, and I’ve just been really busy,” If busy was synonymous for hanging out with Chanyeol and Baekhyun, then yes, Kyungsoo was busy. However, with his main focus on Jongin’s wedding, his workload has decreased immensely. Business was busy for others, but Kyungsoo found that he had more free time which he spent wallowing alone in self-pity.   
  
“I know work is busy, but that’s never stopped you before. I just want to know what’s going on with you…” Jongin reached out to grab his shoulder, and Kyungsoo’s eyes flew up to a gaze that was now aligned with his, “It’s not the wedding getting to you?” Jongin asked.   
  
Indeed, that was the very thing getting to him. If only Jongin knew the effect that the wedding had over him. But this was Jongin,  _his_  Jongin--a dear friend, and a man he knew would never be his. There was no need for false hope and blind faith, he wouldn't humor his mind’s fantasy any longer.  
  
“It’s nothing really.” He offered a weak smile. “I just have some things going on at home. My mom has been sick these days, and well, I’ve been checking up on her. Between work and saxophone classes, I just haven’t been able to reply to your message. I’m sorry about that,”   
  
Jongin’s face eased, eyes softening with traces of sympathy, “How is she? I know you told me she has lupus. So is it serious?”  
  
Kyungsoo waved a hand to ease his worry, “She’s fine, really. But I’m sorry I haven’t been around,” He paused, “The wedding...is coming up, so you have many things to worry about,”  
  
“That’s why I got you,” Jongin used the hand resting on his shoulder and patted down twice, “I have nothing to worry about because you’re the best at what you do.” He chuckled, and Kyungsoo joined him with a laughter that sounded dry even to his own ears, it made him cringe. The pain stung inside his chest because Jongin relied on him, and he had been avoiding him.  
  
“So, is that all you wanted to ask about?”   
  
Jongin shrugged, “Yea, pretty much,” He sighed, “I just really miss you Kyungsoo.” There was gentleness in the smile on Jongin’s lips which made his heart flip. Just when he thought he could move on, there that smile was to tell him otherwise.   
  
“I’ve missed you too,” Kyungsoo said. His smile lacked the sincerity of the other’s, but it was a smile nonetheless.   
  
  
  
_July 17th,  
  
Today was...what really happened today? I don’t really remember I just wanted to write because I’m barely holding on. I’ve lied to Jongin now. I’ve lied to him many times after that and I hate it. I didn’t want things to get this bad, but I continue to lie. It’s easy now. I don’t have to think twice about it. It feels like I’m slowly dying inside. I haven’t slept right in weeks, I haven’t eaten right either. Chanyeol helped a bit but when he leaves, I think about Jongin again. It just won’t stop. I’ll do anything to make it stop.   
I need help._  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The rush of his feet over the carpet alerted the people within the office of his delayed entrance into the building. It was the fourth time this week Kyungsoo had arrived late to work. It became a natural occurrence, only this time, his clothing style was off. The planner he usually lugged around was missing along with the natural air of sophistication that cloaked his body. Instead, a dusky haze of chaos embodied a person who used to exude order and control.   
  
Baekhyun didn’t have to confront him about his abnormal behavior because Kyungsoo came to the planner for the very first time.  
  
“I need your help,” Kyungsoo said as he charged inside Baekhyun’s office. The office was smaller in size and adorned with less expensive decorations. Baekhyun sat frozen in his chair at his desk with wide shocked eyes. Kyungsoo rolled his own, “Baekhyun, I know you heard me.” He tapped his foot and folded his arms over his chest.  
  
“Oh how the tables have turned,” Baekhyun said smugly before clearing his throat, “First, how dare you come into my office without knocking?” The audacity of this fool. Kyungsoo could strangle him. His tongue was set on speaking, but Baekhyun interrupted, “Second.” He quickly held up two fingers, “What the  _hell_  are you wearing?” His face scrunched with displeasure, and Kyungsoo looked over his disarray of garments before sighing.   
  
“Baek--”  
  
“Ah!” Baekhyun held up a third finger, “Third, I know you don’t expect me to help you without paying for my services. I take my payments in monster drinks, bananas or a raise. You get twice the help with the raise. I think it’s about time that I got a promotion around here.” Baekhyun pushed back the invisible glasses atop of his nose.   
  
“Are you done?” Kyungsoo glared, Baekhyun nodded.  
  
“Oh! Wait!” Baekhyun fished for his phone inside his pocket. When he found it, he held the phone up toward Kyungsoo, “Can we start from the top as you rush inside the room asking for help,”  
  
“Baekhyun,”  
  
“You have to really sell it, give it to me Soo,”  
  
“Baekhyun!”  
  
“Alright fine, fine.” He hurried and snapped a photo of Kyungsoo, who continued to glare. “For safe keeping. So what’s wrong?”   
  
Kyungsoo sighed once again before taking a seat in one of the chairs, “I need to move on,”  
  
“From Jongin?”   
  
“Yes,”   
  
“Are you sure you’re ready?”  
  
“I can’t keep doing this to myself, I just want it to stop,”  
  
“Soo, I can take over at any moment, you know that,”  
  
“No, no. I want to see this through.” Kyungsoo shifted in his seat, “But could you be there for the wedding?”  
  
“I wouldn’t miss it, I was invited too.” Baekhyun smiled tight lipped, “Hey, I have an idea,”  
  
“Just say it,”  
  
“Okay, so to get over an old love, you have to find a new love, right?” Kyungsoo nodded slowly, relatively knowing where Baekhyun was going with this, “Well, for you, we need to find someone you’re willing to date. Let’s set you up for some blind dates!”  
  
“I don’t think that will work,”  
  
“It’s worth a try, Kyungsoo.” The use of his full name made Kyungsoo’s eyes snap to the other, “I just really don’t want to continue seeing you like this, so give it a try, will you?”  
  
Blind dates were unpredictable and uncontrollable, and he never liked the combination of those two things. It was never easy to accept someone new into his life, let alone, someone who he was to engage with romantically. This treaded upon unknown territory, a place he wasn’t sure he was ready to embark toward.  
  
“Let me think about it,”  
  
“Alright, but that’s all I can really think of at the moment. If I come up with something else to help, I’ll let you know,”  
  
“Thanks Baekhyun,”  
  
“Anytime, Soo.” He smiled, and Kyungsoo gave him a crooked grin before leaving the office.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
While at home in the middle of an audiobook, someone knocked on his door. He glanced at the clock and it was late, nearing 10 p.m and no one ever came over this late. As he pulled the door open, it revealed a sullen looking Jongin before him. The glimmer inside of his eyes was greatly dimmed along with his usual cheery demeanor. Jongin appeared weary, limbs weighed down from an unseen force. It alarmed Kyungsoo.   
  
“Jongin, what’s wrong?” His heart pounded and his mind spun with scenarios of the wedding being called off. He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind and felt disgusted with himself. The notion of a broken wedding brought him a small bout of happiness. And what kind of person felt joy at their friend’s torment?  
  
In silence, Jongin walked further inside and sat on the couch. After closing the door, Kyungsoo joined him on the sofa and waited. He waited for what felt like hours, days, and months. Jongin sat with a gaze trained on the floor, eyes never moving. Kyungsoo wanted to console him but refrained from doing so. Touching Jongin would only lead him to wanting more, and he didn’t need that right now.   
  
“Jongin…” He called in a soft tone. The man made no move to acknowledge that he heard anything, and Kyungsoo thought to try again, “Jongin?”  
  
“Should I be doing this?” He asked, voice low and uncertain, “Should I get married?”  
  
Kyungsoo was taken aback from the hesitant and unsure gaze that landed upon his. Jongin never appeared so lost, and gathered in his eyes were bountiful questions and insecurities.  
  
It utterly shocked Kyungsoo. Certain of Jongin’s decision, he thought the groom-to-be didn’t possess any doubts and was free from worries. But here, Jongin sat, apprehension shrouding his features in a twisted expression of repressed pain.   
  
How ironic. The person Jongin asked of such advice was the very person who never wanted the wedding to happen.   
  
The CEO’s mind blanked and blanked. Then, suddenly, thoughts of persuading Jongin to call it off assaulted his mind. Over and over, it nagged at him to take the presented opportunity and tell Jongin how he truly felt. To spill every emotion he held toward Jongin and assert his wishes. If there was any chance to grant his ultimate wish, it was in this very moment.  
  
But, there was trust.   
  
There was trust, loyalty and honesty exchanged between their stares while Jongin waited on Kyungsoo to reply.  
  
“What should I do?” Jongin pulled him from his thoughts.   
  
As he looked into Jongin’s eyes once again, he saw the man he loved. The man he would do anything for and sacrifice everything for. How could he ever let this man down? How could he ever allow Jongin to feel pain? He would accept the pain and agony in his place instead. Always and forever, there was no other way. This split second allowed his thoughts to change.  
  
“Do you love her?”  
  
Jongin took a moment before he replied, “Yes, I do,”  
  
There was a piercing stab delivered to his heart, but Kyungsoo pushed forward, “Then…” The stability of his voice faltered, “I think you should marry her,”  
  
“But what if we end up divorcing? What if we aren’t right for each other?” Jongin's eyes searched his for answers; answers Kyungsoo did not have; answers he never wanted to have. Kyungsoo closed his eyes and swallowed back the bile crawling up his throat from what he was about to say.   
  
“Jongin, it’s just getting close to the wedding date and you have cold feet. If you love her, then it’s meant to be. You aren’t careless, I know that. So I think you should move forward because you guys are suited for each other,”  
  
“You think so?”  
  
“I don’t think so, I  _know_  so.” Kyungsoo dropped his gaze.   
  
“Thank you Kyungsoo,” Jongin placed a hand on his knee which made him flinch, “I don’t know what I would do without you,”  
  
“You would have a mental breakdown and then eat lots of ice cream.” Kyungsoo attempted to lighten the mood and it was somewhat successful. With the small smile on Jongin’s face, he could relax.  
  
“You’re probably right, and then I would watch horrible scary movies,”  
  
“You don’t like scary movies,”  
  
“Exactly,” Jongin said as he stood to leave, “But, I don’t have to do any of that since you’re here,”  
  
“Right.” Kyungsoo walked him to the door.   
  
“Thank you, I’ll see you soon, okay?”  
  
“Yea, of course.” Kyungsoo waved him goodbye, and Jongin left out the door.  
  
He ended the night in deep thought, and it wasn’t until hours later when the subtle tingle in his knee subsided.  
  
  
  
  
Kyungsoo hurried to Baekhyun’s office the next morning. When inside, he said, “Set them up,” Baekhyun only grinned with a curt nod, and Kyungsoo sighed.   
  
He hoped this was the right decision.   
  
  
  
  
The scent of cooked sirloin wafted his nose as he awaited his dates arrival. When she finally presented herself, he noted her outstanding beauty and grace. The woman had lengthy legs and her hair was a wispy blonde in a simple wavy style. Her dress hugged her figure fashionably, it flowed to her toes and brushed against the carpet as she walked. The streaks of makeup were done conservatively, giving her a natural feel, and her smile was absolutely blinding. She was the daughter of Mr. Lee who owned a wood product manufacturing company which garnered many customers.  
  
Kyungsoo would applaud her fashion sense and appearance had he not been focused on the dissimilarities between her and Jongin. They were on different sides of the spectrum, whereas Jongin was tactful and thoughtful, she was outgoing and straightforward. The woman, Yuri, began most of their conversations while he listened and nodded his head. He let out streams of  _uh huh_ ,  _oh_ , and  _is that right?_ , from his lips.  
  
All of what she said traveled in one ear and out the other. Though not his intention, he found it difficult to keep up with her when his ability to care was at the lowest possible level. She was lovely, no doubt about it. Yet, she wasn’t what he was looking for, and he determined that this date was a failure.   
  
“I’m sorry, Yuri. But I don’t think we will work out.”   
  
That night, he began his travel home with thoughts of digressing and giving up on dating all together. The person who held him back was indeed none other than himself, he knew. However, moving forward terrified him.   
  
Was he prepared to rid these emotions completely? Was he ready to give up on Jongin when he knew he hadn’t given his all?  
  
He made a stop at a gas station. Acting on impulse, he hurried to the alcohol section and bought three bottles of wine. He remembered Baekhyun mentioning the potency of the brand.   
  
Not one to typically drink alcohol, he felt confused about how he ended up paying for the liquor; confused about how its contents was now poured into a glass as he sat on his couch. It felt like he had no control over his limbs and they moved without warrant.   
  
He sipped on the first glass until there was nothing left. The next glass, he threw back and squinted his eyes as the liquid settled inside his stomach. It began to take effect on him when he attempted to stand, but flopped back onto the sofa from the unyielding spins of the room. Even though he was well on his way to being incredibly drunk, he continued to guzzle down the wine until sleep overtook his senses.  
  
  
  
  
Acting like a gentlemen was second nature to him. Yet, the woman made it awfully difficult to sustain a level of decorum with her brash nature. She was unpleasant, in the mildest terms. Kyungsoo didn’t like her the moment she sat within their small booth. Usually, he granted others the benefit of the doubt, first impressions were most likely wrong. However, he strayed from that kind of thinking during this date.   
  
Hyorin was her name, a beauty indeed. However, her manners were nonexistent, and she was needlessly loud. Kyungsoo found humor in her words, but he knew they wouldn’t match well, her opinionated and forceful ways strongly outweighed her comedic side.   
  
Everything was fine until she ordered his meal for him, without knowing which dishes he actually liked. She never listened to whatever he said, and she hummed in reply before changing the subject. Kyungsoo gave a truthful attempt here since he needed to redeem himself from the first date. But it was utterly impossible.   
  
By the end of dinner, he was mentally and physically drained from all the fake smiling.  
  
“I’m sorry, Hyorin. But I just don’t think we match well together.”  
  
  
  
  
  
Somewhere along the lines, he failed to realize that comparisons occurred whether he wanted them to or not. He attempted to keep them at bay, but they slipped through his conscience anyway.   
  
On every date he attended so far, he compared that person to Jongin. With his friend’s absence, he realized how much Jongin suited his style. Though these dates were supposed to help him forget the pediatrician, they had an opposing effect.  
  
The dates proved how well Jongin matched his personality. This could be a result of their numerous years together, but Kyungsoo rather chalk it up to being simply right for each other.   
  
His heart yearned for someone similar to Jongin, yet different all at the same time. Someone who maintained a sense of warmth but in a unique way that would allow him to be captured within their grasp.  
  
There was hope when he met his date, Jiae. She had short raven layered hair, and to his surprise, rectangular rimmed glasses. Her black dress was knee length and she appeared quite refreshing to Kyungsoo. Maybe this wouldn’t be such a bad date after all.  
  
It began fairly well. They conversed about their jobs and aspirations in life and a little of their past. Kyungsoo found himself laughing at her sense of humor, and smiling when she stuttered. She felt safe, someone who was lovable, caring, and down to Earth.   
  
She was, in all essence, everything he could hope for in a life partner. Yet, there weren’t any emotions that drew him in. There wasn’t anything that stood out to claim that she was the  _one_. There were plenty of women like her on the planet, and what made her so special that she stood above the rest?  
  
His emotions clung to Jongin for so long that he didn’t know how to appreciate someone like her. He didn’t see her as he didn’t  _truly_  see his other dates. All he beheld was a measly attempt to forget someone that he lost but hadn’t even owned in the first place.   
  
He realized that he’d fallen too deep, and maybe, he didn’t want to get up.   
  


 

_“I’m sorry to say this, but I just don’t think we will work out. Jiae, I’m sorry that you had to accompany me this evening.”_  
  
  


  
  


The words haunt him as he continues to drink glass after glass. He still chases after the numb feeling but never reaches it. It’s with his fifth drink that a clatter sounds in the eerie quietness, his eyes still blurred and cheeks stained with streaks of tears. He is pulled from his memories by the shatter, and he looks down to see the contents flowing across his coffee table, faint ripples waving in the small pool of liquor.   
  
Similar to that of a puddle.   
  
The glass smashed as it slipped from between drunken fingertips. Without thought, he grabs the bottle, and brings the rim to his lips before continuing his pursuit of that numbing sleep he longs for. It doesn’t take long before blackness edges along the white of his eyes, encompassing him in an evasive slumber which he succumbs to without hesitation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo is breaking down, spiraling into a dark place. We're back at the beginning scene, which continues on from this moment forward. Comments and feedback are much appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

 

It reeks. His apartment is swathed in an odor of dirty clothes haphazardly thrown everywhere, and unwashed dishes in the sink. He moves through a haze of roughly planned days which now consist of waking up for work and coming home.   
  
Baekhyun’s consistent attempts to contact him go unanswered along with everyone else. He doesn’t want to speak with anyone, nor plan this wedding. Everything weighs down on him as the tuxedo fitting comes this evening.   
  
It’s the very first time Jongin arrives before Kyungsoo, and the pediatrician’s face displays the suitable confusion of such an occurrence.   
  
Kyungsoo shrugs it off, “There was pretty bad traffic,” He says as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his pants.   
  
“Yea, traffic, sure,” Jongin playfully chides, and they walk further inside the facility.   
  
Kyungsoo takes a seat on a soft cushioned, creamed-colored couch as he waits for Jongin to get dressed into the tuxedo he got measured for weeks ago. He picks up a magazine resting on a coffee table and flips through its content.   
  
Soon enough, Jongin emerges from the dressing room, and Kyungsoo fights the urge to drop his jaw. Pristine, crisp and suave, Jongin dons a delicate ivory tuxedo. Perfection in it’s purest form, he stands before Kyungsoo with a gleaming smile to complement such sumptuous attire. For a moment, Kyungsoo couldn’t speak, he couldn’t think, his stare the only form of communication.  
  
Jongin outstretches his arms, “How do I look?” He asks with a bite of his lower lip in anticipation.   
  
“Amazing,” Kyungsoo says in awe.   
  
Jongin chuckles, “Thanks, Soo. I really like this one.” He looks over the suit and pats it down.   
  
“How much does it cost?”   
  
“Enough. If I told you, you’d think I’m crazy,”  
  
“That’s arguable, because it looks perfect.” He places the magazine on the table before standing. Repositioning himself behind Jongin, who now looks into the mirror, Kyungsoo takes in his frame through the reflection. He follows Jongin’s gaze which travels from head to toe, eyes exploring and examining the suit.   
  
“How about your suit, does it fit well?” Jongin asks.  
  
“Yes, it’s fine, but we aren’t here to talk about my suit,”   
  
“Fine. This one is nice, isn’t it?”  
  
“Very nice.” Kyungsoo pats and smooths out the pads in Jongin’s shoulders. Then, he stops and pulls his hands back as though he’s been burnt from touching Jongin. Immediately, he drops his arms down to his side and takes a step back. “In my opinion, this is the  _one_ ,” He nods, and Jongin does the same.   
  
“Hey Soo, it’s been awhile since we hung out, so I was thinking maybe we could have dinner together,”  
  
Kyungsoo dithers along the brink of accepting, but sees rejection rearing its head around. In his rational mind, declining Jongin’s offer would be sensible. If not for his wavering heart, but to salvage what remains of his sanity.   
  
However, the way Jongin looks deep into his eyes with a stare that entrances him, convinces him otherwise. Jongin’s gaze is full of hope, and how could he refuse when he so openly asked this of him? When the candor in Jongin’s voice coaxes his will to follow?   
  
Kyungsoo’s smile is weak and tentative, “Yea, sure.”  
  
  
  
Dinner is, in the most simplistic way, splendid. It’s during this time when Kyungsoo realizes how much he misses having Jongin around. Their conversations are of typical topics such as work and sports this time.  
  
There’s a ring to Jongin’s laugh that implores him to do the same. There’s a grace to Jongin’s smile which instills happiness in his limbs and infuses throughout his body. And in no time at all, his face breaks into a dazzling grin to match.   
  
They enjoy each other’s company, and even more so, Kyungsoo enjoys his time being around his friend.  
  
He still dances around the topic of the wedding, and tries to disguise his intense dislike for the event with strained grins. Though he is happy for Jongin, he feels sad for himself. It’s a never ending cycle.   
  
The choice is his: to remain friends with the man of his infatuation, or to leave entirely. The latter is easy, but Kyungsoo isn’t known to travel easy routes, ever, and decides the heartache and pain is worth it.   
  
For Jongin, everything is worth it.   
  
“Kyungsoo?”  
  
He blinks, and his vision focuses on brown inquisitive orbs, “Yes?”  
  
“Baekhyun told me you’ve been going on blind dates…”   
  
Kyungsoo blinks again, and his eyes fall onto the table, “Yes.” He coughs into his palm, “I’ve just been interested in dating lately,” He says, hesitance in his words. His gaze locks with Jongin’s, whose presents obscurity.   
  
“You’ve been wanting to date?”  
  
“For a while now…”   
  
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you go out on dates. How many have you been on?”  
  
“Three,”  
  
“Were they decent? Dependable?”   
  
Kyungsoo stands with his plate and walks into the kitchen, Jongin not too far behind. “Yes, they all seemed well off and very sensible,”  
  
“So did you find anyone yet?”  
  
“No, I don’t think it will work out…”  
  
“You didn’t like them?” Jongin leans on the counter and crosses his arms.   
  
Kyungsoo places the plate into the sink and plants his palms on the counter, “Yea…And who knows, maybe they didn’t like me either,” He shrugs, hoping that would end the conversation.   
  
“That’s a stretch, I mean what’s not to like about you?”  
  
“Jongin, you’re biased, of course you’d think that,”  
  
“Even without being ‘biased’,” He makes air quotations, “You’re still a great catch Soo, I’d date you myself,”  
  
Kyungsoo’s body involuntarily turns, the knife in his heart drives deeper, “Jongin, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” He moves to walk around the taller, but Jongin grabs his arm.  
  
“Hey, is anything wrong? I’ve noticed how you’ve been acting weird and something is off,”  
  
Kyungsoo shakes his head, eyes trained on the ground, “It’s nothing, just...”  
  
“I’m sorry if I upset you, but what I’m really getting at here, is that I want you to find happiness too, that’s all.”   
  
“I am happy...Just like this,” Kyungsoo says. Expressing it aloud had little to no effect on his true emotional state.   
  
“Are you sure? Because this isn’t like you. Baekhyun’s told me about how you show up late to work, and your clothes. He’s even said that you don’t bring your planner with you,”  
  
“I’m fine, really. Just tired...”  
  
“And now you’re going on dates...Have you slept with any of them?”  
  
“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” Kyungsoo snaps, annoyed for some reason.   
  
“Why do you say that?” Jongin’s expression morphs into one of confusion.  
  
“You didn’t tell me who you were dating or proposing to,” He says sharply.  
  
Jongin staggers back in a combination of bewilderment and indignation, “I didn’t tell you because you never take things well and I thought that you didn’t like her.”  
  
“You’re right, I don’t like her,”  
  
“What’s wrong with Jiyoon?”  
  
“She took you from me!” Kyungsoo yells in a momentary lapse under the weight of emotions, besieged by the never ending cycle. He regrets those words immediately, and takes a deep breath with closed eyes.  
  
“What do you mean by that?”  
  
“Nothing...I have to go.” He rushes to leave Jongin's apartment, but the pediatrician snags his forearm before he could make it out the door.   
  
“You  _need_  to tell me what you meant,”  
  
Why does he continue to do this to himself? Kyungsoo knows Jongin isn’t stupid. He knows Jongin has the mental capabilities to piece together everything if he so much as hinted at his feelings toward the man.   
  
He doesn’t want Jongin to know of his emotions. Not now, not ever.   
  
“What I mean is that she takes up all of our bonding time.” He lies with ease. Apparently, he’s become great at it these days.   
  
“Kyungsoo…” Jongin lightens his grip, “I’m sorry we haven’t been hanging out as much,”  
  
 _I’m sorry too_ , Kyungsoo thinks. It wouldn’t be fair to place all the blame on Jongin, when he exerted a great deal of effort in distancing himself, “Don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault,”  
  
“Even though it is. Look, let’s just finish tonight with a movie marathon or something like the good old days, sounds alright?” Jongin asks with a semblance of a smile.   
  
“...Okay.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
 _August 26th,  
  
We’ve been on Jeju Island for two days now. It’s a nice place, I like it here. We’re staying at the hotel and so far everything has been going well I guess. Baekhyun and Chanyeol arrived earlier today and for some reason Baekhyun had on a flower hawaiin shirt and flip flops. Chanyeol didn’t look any better with shorts and a hoodie. It wasn’t even cold out and it didn’t make any sense. Hoodie and shorts? Was he dressing for the summer or the winter? I don’t know where his mind is.  
Baekhyun found a club for the bachelor party.And it just reminded me that the wedding is so close. Everything was planned for this. I did this. But I really don’t want to be here. I look at Jongin and envision that wedding band around his finger, and it makes me feel sick.  
I’m so conflicted.  
I went on three failed dates and now I want to give up on trying to find anyone. I just need time. Yea, time heals everything right?  
I hope. _  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When Baekhyun mentioned that he couldn’t wait until the bachelor’s party, Kyungsoo didn’t think much of it at the time. Yet, during the stag event, he finds himself trapped in a sandwich between Chanyeol and Baekhyun  _again_  as they dance in the middle of a raving crowd.   
  
Chromatic hues of flashing lights showers over the crowd and to every corner of the room. The bass has a thumping kick to it which rattles the ground and resonates at earsplitting volumes. Clouds of bodies sway and move to the pop song permeating throughout the spacious club.   
  
Kyungsoo doesn’t know what bothers him more--that he is forced to dance in between Baekhyun and Chanyeol, or that Jongin left him to his doom by chickening out and sitting at their reserved table. The pediatrician doesn’t dance often, but it’s his bachelor party. And in the words of Baekhyun, he should be the one out here shaking his tail feather.   
  
“I’m going to have a seat!” Kyungsoo yells above the blaring music. The other two nod and continue partying like it’s 1999. Whatever that means.   
  
“Nice moves,” Jongin says when he takes a seat beside him.  
  
“Oh shut up,” Kyungsoo snaps, and Jongin laughs.   
  
“No really, you look like you were having fun. I can’t seem to get into it,”  
  
“Why is that?”  
  
“I’m just so nervous about Sunday.” Another reminder strikes Kyungsoo hard, and he feels the familiar burn inside his chest.  
  
“You’ll be fine,” He reassures.  
  
“Yea I guess so.” Jongin takes a sip from his beer before standing, “I’m going to get out there, and try to shake it off, want to come?”  
  
“No, I’m all danced out, you go have fun,” Kyungsoo says, and Jongin leaves him behind at the table. He watches from afar as Jongin joins their friends on the dance floor. A deep sense of despair floods over him when he thinks about the imminent wedding day. It’s really happening in two days.   
  
Two days.  
  
It echoes inside his mind, preying on his will to stand firm when faced with his worst nightmare.  
  
The several bottles of liquor littered on the table call out to him, tempting him to consume them. He unconsciously reaches for one and brings the rim to his lips. There isn’t a moment of hesitation as he throws his head back and gulps half of its contents.   
  
Where there were once restrictions on his consumption of alcohol, there is no more. He aims to clear his mind and ease his worries, searching for that same stupor as before.   
  
While sitting alone at the table, his eyes flit out into the sea of people, and he instantly spots Jongin. His best friend looks happy, smiling from ear to ear while dancing in a ridiculous manner identical to Baekhyun’s. He appears ready to embark on a new chapter in his life, while Kyungsoo remains stuck on the very first page of the book.   
  
He rises on unsteady legs with the bathroom as his destination. His body totters, and his palm catches the wall to assist him in standing. To get away from the situation, he would do anything. His heart couldn’t handle it.   
  
When inside the bathroom, he rushes to the sink and rinses his face in cold water. It’s not a second later before Chanyeol enters, obvious concern plastered over his features.   
  
“Kyungsoo, are you alright?” His palm falls on Kyungsoo’s lower back, and the CEO flinches away from his touch, “Hey man, I’m just trying to help,”  
  
“You can’t help me,” Kyungsoo says, his voice low and nearly unintelligible. He stumbles when trying to walk and Chanyeol attempts to help him steady on his feet, but Kyungsoo swats his palm away.  
  
“Soo, what’s wrong? I’ve never seen you drink...And for you to be like this,”   
  
“You can’t help alright,”  
  
“Give me a chance,”  
  
“Can you stop this wedding?”  
  
“What?!” Chanyeol’s eyes widen.   
  
“You heard me. Can you stop it? Because if you can’t, then you can’t help me Chanyeol,”   
  
“Why do you want to stop it?”  
  
“It’s not that hard to figure out,”   
  
After a momentary pause, Chanyeol takes a firm hold of his arm, “So that’s how it’s been all this time?!” He yells.   
  
Kyungsoo violently tugs his arm from his grip and staggers back, “That’s how it’s always been!” He yells, cracking under the pressure of everything, “And it’s killing me!” He swallows hard, barely holding back tears, “It’s killing me Chanyeol as I watch from the sidelines unable to do anything,”  
  
“Why? Why did you do this then?”  
  
“I wouldn’t expect you to understand,”  
  
“You never allow me! You never let me in!” Chanyeol’s eyes are strained, dark pupils penetrating into his own. They’re suffocating. His gaze could see through Kyungsoo’s emotions as if they were translucent glass. Chanyeol stares deep into his hurt and turmoil, and even then, he refuses to allow those emotions to shove him away.   
  
Kyungsoo turns on his heels and storms off with great difficulty. He thrusts his weight onto the bathroom door, and it slams open with a loud thud. With haste, he walks down the corridor toward the exit of the club.  
  
“Kyungsoo! Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol attempts to chase him, but abandons the pursuit in the middle of the short hallway.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The merciless ache from the migraine is the first thing he feels when he rouses. Kyungsoo pulls himself out of bed and begins the day late in the evening, having been up all night imprisoned by his fatalistic thoughts. All the strength inside his body seeps out when he attempts to stand, and he falls to the bed. Sunken shoulders and deep sighs, he feels as though there isn’t much of his existence left. Life’s essence drains from his limbs in the most agonizing way. There’s a discord inside of him from the eternal bickering of his conscience and heart about the impending day. The disputes become discombobulated white noise, ricocheting and sparking until there’s nothing left but utter pandemonium.  
  
He chooses to think of nothing at all as he prepares for the day ahead.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
There’s nothing more disconcerting than the wedding and dinner rehearsal.   
  
The rehearsal takes place in the main banquet hall where the wedding will be tomorrow. Almost everyone is present, family and friends, and some members of the staff. Everyone but the bride-to-be, Kyungsoo notices when he enters the room with a foam cup of coffee.   
  
He’ll never understand how Baekhyun does it. One night, he’s out getting white boy wasted, and the very next day, he seems to glow with the brightness of a thousand suns. Kyungsoo cringes when he sees the wedding planner who is all bright smiles and sparkling eyes.   
  
“Hey Soo.” Baekhyun waves, and Kyungsoo could only afford to nod.   
  
“Hey,”  
  
“So stale. Let’s try again. Hey Soo!”   
  
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, “Shouldn’t you be starting the rehearsal, I did assign you to this the other day,”  
  
“We’re waiting on Jiyoon,”  
  
“She said she’ll be running late,” Jongin says, appearing by his side.  
  
“Isn’t that a problem? We only have one hour to complete this,” Baekhyun says, “How about a stand in?”   
  
“Yea, good idea. Anyone in mind?” Jongin asks.  
  
Baekhyun nudges Kyungsoo, whose eyes widen and dart toward the wedding planner, “What?” He whispers.  
  
“Go on and stand in for the bride,”  
  
“Are you crazy?”  
  
“Kyungsoo said he’ll stand in,” Baekhyun says as he lifts the CEO’s arm. Kyungsoo snatches his arm down with a murderous glare which doesn’t let up until Jongin calls out to him.  
  
“Kyungsoo, will you?”  
  
  
“I’m here, I’m here!” Jiyoon yells as she scurries inside, and Kyungsoo’s shoulder visibly sink with a sigh of relief.  
  
Relief which is short lived when the rehearsal finally begins.   
  
If any thoughts about the wedding were agonizing before, they had nothing on the torment which surfaced now. Contemplation and perception are two separate things, and as Kyungsoo watches the mock presentation, he begins to feel faint.   
  
At first, he remains calm and collected while standing diagonally behind Jongin near the altar as his best man. Then, Jiyoon enters after the trail of bridesmaids and flower girls, and things become difficult.   
  
The wedded couple stands facing each other, hand in hand, and began reciting their vows. While this happens, Kyungsoo barely fights against his body’s desire to leave the banquet hall. The urge itches under his skin and jars at his bones, revulsed by the display of affection before him.   
  
The audience is enraptured by the couple. Hushed coos and delighted eyes stare at them in a collective expectation of hope. Hope for their future together which will unite their families into one. Jongin is building a new family and a new life with Jiyoon by his side.   
  
It’s too much.   
  
When the rehearsal for the wedding ends, Kyungsoo feels as though he could hardly stand.  
  
The dinner rehearsal be damned, he couldn’t do this.  
  
He excuses himself claiming to have an upset stomach, and leaves out the grand hall for his hotel room. The tears begin to boil in his eyes, but he withholds them. He couldn’t cry. Not while in public, not during the guise of happiness he assumes before everyone. He hurries, feet marching over the carpet, propelling him forward until he reaches his destination.   
  
When inside the dimly lit room, he bumps into a drawer and lurches forward. Quivering hands catch the wood preventing him from falling completely. He continues walking until his body refuses to sustain his weight on shaking legs, and he collapses to the floor.   
  
With his back against the wall, he pulls his legs into his chest and begins to bawl.  
.   
Tears overflow until they pour down in vigorous rivers. He quietly sobs, his chest constricts in pain from the excruciating rush of emotions rampaging in his soul. It feels as though someone has wrapped their appendages around his heart and squeezed without mercy. His breaths surrender to muzzled coughs and wheezes as he searches for air to quell the scorching fire in his throat.   
  
Tantrumed feet scuffle over the ground along with the strikes of his head back against the wall. Kyungsoo knew he couldn’t do this. How could he watch the man he loves, love someone else? Marry someone else? Form a life with someone else?   
  
The floor slips from underneath him, and he falls into an abyss of darkness, plummeting downward in a sightless, soundless void. It hurts to the pits of his stomach and he gags, hovering a palm to his mouth. He attempts to stand, but his feet scuttle over the floor and his body falls to the ground. It stings, his palms which broke his fall throb. The weight of hopelessness hangs over him and anchors him to that very spot.  
  
Everything aches, burns and simmers. This Hell absolutely maddening.  
  
“Kyungsoo?” The door flings back with a  _bang_  which makes him flinch, “Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol’s voice becomes closer, every step heavy under his purposeful strides.   
  
When Chanyeol comes into his blurred view, Kyungsoo shakes his head in a silent request for him to leave, but the other refuses. Chanyeol hurries to his side and attempts to pull him to stand.   
  
“No, NO!” Kyungsoo fights against his help, “Leave me alone!” His breaths are ragged around his cold words. Chanyeol doesn’t listen however, and tries to help him.  
  
“Kyungsoo get up,” Chanyeol struggles to grab his wrist as Kyungsoo wrestles with swats and hits against the other. When Chanyeol finally grabs ahold of his forearms, he shakes the CEO hard, and Kyungsoo’s body stiffens. “Get up! You can’t do this to yourself, “  
  
“Y-you…” Kyungsoo sniffs, “You don’t understand,” He coughs roughly and pulls back from Chanyeol’s grip but to no avail. The other has a tight hold on his arms and Kyungsoo surrenders with ease, he doesn’t possess the energy to put up a fight anymore. He stands to his feet, but not without staggering on his weak legs. Chanyeol is there to support his weight until Kyungsoo leans his back against the wall.   
  
Chanyeol places both palms on the wall on either side of Kyungsoo’s head, caging him inside, “I don’t understand?” Chanyeol asks in a tone of disbelief, and Kyungsoo turns his head, “Look at me!” He yells, and Kyungsoo shakes his head back and forth, unwilling to do just that, “Look at me Kyungsoo!” Kyungsoo lets out a broken sob, his palms extend out to push Chanyeol away but the other doesn’t budge at all.   
  
“I can’t,” Kyungsoo mutters, “I can’t look at you,”  
  
“Because you know, don’t you?” Chanyeol moves in closer, and Kyungsoo whimpers, “You know how much I love you. I’ve always loved you and been there for you,”   
  
“I know,” Kyungsoo whispers.   
  
“It’s been years Kyungsoo...” Chanyeol inches closer, his breath fanning against Kyungsoo’s cheek. “I need you...So why don’t you look at me, please,” In his voice is every form of plea, the very need to have Kyungsoo notice him ever present and intensified.   
  
Kyungsoo has no choice other than to turn his head and meet those eyes of sincerity. Within them is the deepest care and love that he couldn't comprehend. Why him? Why did Chanyeol choose him? Was there anything left for Kyungsoo to offer? The ugliness he displayed and the downward spiral he traveled led him to a place where he wasn’t himself. Yet, here Chanyeol stands in the face of his most disgusting side willing to give his all to Kyungsoo and accept him unconditionally.   
  
Perhaps, he should choose Chanyeol, someone who looked at him and  _only_  him. No one ever pursued so strongly, or persevered for such an ample amount of time. Perhaps, what he needed was at arm's length all along, standing in plain sight, but he refused to look under that of the blinding sun which shone above.   
  
Under that brilliance was Chanyeol who continuously waited without anything in return.   
  
“I love you Kyungsoo,” He whispers before his lips.   
  
There’s only a split second where Chanyeol’s hesitant gaze locks with Kyungsoo before he feels plush lips push against his. It’s a soft brush of flesh initially, but Chanyeol leans in and adds more pressure to deepen the kiss.  
  
For a moment, Kyungsoo allows him. His mind draws blanks, failing to register the desperate gesture from momentary shock. When he feels the motions of those lips once again accompanied by a wandering hand, everything feels wrong. So  _very_  wrong.   
  
It delivers an unpleasant and cold tingle up his spine. This kiss is not from the lips that he desired. Those hands are not the stable ones that he craves to touch his body. This man is not the person his heart and soul yearns for.  
  
He pushes hard against Chanyeol, “Stop it! Stop!” His hand whips across Chanyeol’s face, and his head turns from the force. Kyungsoo’s breath hitches.   
  
Chanyeol exhales a dry, humorless chuckle, and Kyungsoo could see the deep pool of tears gather inside of his eyes. The silence smothers them with its density as they merely stare.  
  
They stare until the searing tears roll down Chanyeol’s face. The profound hurt that dwells in his irises wrenches at Kyungsoo’s heart, and he finds himself crying once again.  
  
“I-I...” Kyungsoo’s voice cracks as he watches Chanyeol fall to his knees before him, defeated.  
  
“Why can’t it be me?” Chanyeol rasps, his tone of utter despair. He firmly wraps his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist and buries his head in his thighs. “Why can’t it be me?” He asks once again, and Kyungsoo attempts to comfort him by grasping his shoulder. “Why…” He sniffs and coughs.   
  
Kyungsoo tilts his head back against the wall and closes his eyes. Tears continuously slip down his cheeks while he listens to Chanyeol ask him the same question over and over.  
  
To Kyungsoo, looking at Chanyeol is similar to looking inside a mirror.   
  
On the opposite side of the glass, Chanyeol stares back at him, a terrifying reflection of himself.   
  
They both have experienced the person they love, love someone else. Nothing in this world caused more anguish.  _Nothing_. Kyungsoo knows very well how deeply those emotions hurt. The immense empathy he has toward Chanyeol prevents his anger from rising. Instead, he pities the tall man as he does himself. For this lifetime, they are imprisoned inside a poisonous cycle of rejection.  
  
Though nothing but agony and heartache consumes him, at least, Kyungsoo isn’t alone.   
  
After all, misery loves company. The woes of his heart tell him so.   
  
That night, Kyungsoo allows himself to hurt. He allows all of his emotions to spill out of him until he no longer had tears to cry. He allows himself to accept.   
  
And, he finally allows himself to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4! Oh no, this part was difficult to write. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo trapped in a cycle of unrequited love. The emotions really got to me. I hope you felt them as well. Comments and feedback are much appreciated!


	5. Chapter 5

 

His shoes halt before the white hotel door, and he reaches up and knocks three times. It takes a moment before the door swings open revealing Jongin in that lavish white tuxedo.   
  
With a wave, Jongin invites him inside, “I’m almost ready,”  
  
His steady footsteps follow Jongin further into the room and they stop behind the groom who examines his suit in a body-length mirror, “What do you think?”  
  
“You look very handsome,”  
  
“Thank you, I’m hoping everyone is focused on Jiyoon though, because I’m nothing but nerves right now.” Jongin loosens his tie and pats down his suit jacket, “Why aren’t you dressed yet?”  
  
“I will, soon...I wanted to tell you something Jongin,”  
  
“Oh, okay, let’s sit for a second then,” After repositioning themselves beside each other on the bed, Kyungsoo slightly turns his body to face the groom. “So what is it?”  
  
Kyungsoo grabs Jongin’s palm in a loose hold and squeezes it gently, “Things between us have been great, haven't they?” Jongin nods, “You know I remember when I first met you and I was in the library. You sat down at my table for no reason at all--”  
  
“That’s where you're wrong,” He interjects, “I had a reason,”  
  
“And what was that?”  
  
“Someone told me that you had the best notes in the school, so I wanted to copy them,” Jongin playfully says, and Kyungsoo lightly chuckles.  
  
“You're hopeless,”  
  
“No, but seriously, I sat in that chair because you were always alone,”  
  
“I know, and I’m thankful for that. You're a really great guy, and Jiyoon is lucky to have you,”  
  
“Thanks Soo,”  
  
“I’m proud of you Jongin...I’m so very proud of you. I wanted you to know that I’m always rooting for your happiness. This is what makes you happy and I would never want to see you hurt or sad. Do you know that?”   
  
“Same for you. I’m happy that you’ve helped us with everything. What could I have done without you, really? I say that all the time and I mean it every time,” Jongin squeezes his palm.   
  
“You wouldn't get much done, I’m the best at this,”  
  
“Someone clearly has ego issues,”  
  
Kyungsoo smiles which soon fades from his lips into a serious expression, “Jongin…” Said man looks at him expectantly, “Live a happy life, okay?” Jongin hesitates with his nod, but he nods regardless.   
  
“I will…” He says. Though it seems he wanted to say something more, Kyungsoo doesn’t allow him to continue. With another squeeze of Jongin’s palm, he stands to leave. He promptly returns to his room before taking the elevator to the lobby.   
  
In the lobby, Kyungsoo finds Baekhyun lingering near the main receptionist desk.   
  
“Hey Soo, what did you call me down here for?”  
  
Kyungsoo places a manila folder and a folded piece of paper in Baekhyun's hand, “Here,” Is all he offers in response which thoroughly confuses the other. Kyungsoo turns on his heels to exit out the building, but his steps halt in the middle of the automatic sliding doors, “And Baekhyun…” He opens his mouth to continue, but simply closes it before giving the planner a terse nod.   
  
The perplexed look on Baekhyun’s face doesn’t yield until he unfolds the piece of paper in his palm which read:  
  
_Make sure Jongin and Jiyoon are happy.  
Take it from here.  
I’m sorry._  
  
When Baekhyun lifts his head, Kyungsoo is nowhere to be found.  
  
He’s gone.  
  
  
  


  
**2 Weeks Later**  
  


  
  
  
  
  
The atmosphere wraps him in warmth which spills into an ambience of soft jazz and smooth blues. At Giulia's Lounge, he sits at the bar with a glass of whiskey in his palm and drinks his problems away as though he would never see another day.  
  
The songs playing in the background bring along memories he rather leave to the back of his mind, but it marvels it so, how quickly those memories are to surface as if they happened yesterday. It does nothing to heal his aching heart or mend his broken soul. But there’s an odd comfort in lying inside misery and wallowing in self-pity.   
  
Just when you think you’ve hit the worst part, there seems to be a bit more to explore within your heart. That’s how heartbreaks feels. It’s a void, a dark pit in which you fall.   
  
The void itself isn’t what bothers Kyungsoo--not the steep blackness which is as deep as the agony he feels; not the absence of sound that stifles his deafening cries for help in this abyss of nothingness. None of these things truly bother Kyungsoo, but there is one thing.  
  
It never ends.   
  
Kyungsoo doesn't know how long he’s been falling or whether he’ll ever reach the bottom, and the prospects of descending forever is what most frightens him. There’s no way out, there’s no end to this suffering.  
  
He feels his head throb as he thinks about everything over the past months. Tears swell in his eyes for the nth time today while sitting on this barstool. He’s certain there’s a limit to drinking alcohol and maybe he’s reached it, but he wants to go further. To wash away his sorrows so that when he emerges from the ocean this time, he could be born anew. But he doesn’t take into the fact that there’s a very slim chance of being saved. Jongin isn’t here to pull him from the water.  
  
His life is a collection of rough tides, vigorous and relentless currents that no one is willing to jump into. He is a series of radical waves rushing to a shoreline in search of land to latch onto. But he doesn’t--he couldn’t--and out to sea he drifts again.  
  
“You’ve been drinking all night.” Kyungsoo hears someone say, but he thinks the words are directed toward someone else. Without giving a response, he brings the glass to his lips and chugs the alcohol in one go. After slamming the glass onto the bar, he raises a hand intending to call the bartender, but the stranger speaks again. “I think you’ve reached your limit.” His voice is closer now, and Kyungsoo notices that the man is indeed speaking to him. His ability to talk isn’t one he has at the moment, but he numbly nods in agreement. He’s been drowning for hours and maybe it’s time to allow his body to float to the surface.  
  
All of the emotions come at once, and he feels his heart clench tightly. The swelling tears release down his cheeks, flowing over his delicate skin until they drop to his shirt. He doesn’t realize that he’s crying again until the warm pad of someone’s finger gently brushes his cheek. It’s soft and caring, the man’s touch.  
  
Kyungsoo blinks and lifts his clouded gaze to find a distorted face. He blinks again, slowly running away the remaining tears which does nothing to help the spin of the room and how his head mercilessly pounds.   
  
Again, those fingertips swipe and caress his cheek in soft strokes. Kyungsoo drops his gaze, damp eyelashes weighing heavy with cheeks coloring deep crimson. This is embarrassing and he knows how much of a mess he must appear to this stranger. It’s not something he’s proud of; to be at a bar alone drinking his troubles away. But it feels so good, and Kyungsoo wants nothing more than to feel good right now.   
  
“Kyungsoo,” His eyes return to the man’s face, and this time it’s much clearer. His vision focuses on the features engraved into his mind, those heavenly features that he loves so much. Kyungsoo inhales a quick breath as his eyes behold a man who shouldn’t be with him at this moment. “Kyungsoo, let’s stop now, and get you home.” He doesn't make any movements and remains seated. “Come on, I’ll take you. You’ve had enough.”   
  
Kyungsoo doesn’t know how, and he doesn't know why, but he complies with ease. It’s like Jongin possesses an utterance that invokes power over him, and makes him bend to his will. Even in the state of intoxication, he follows in his lead without question.   
  
Jongin supports his weight as they leave the bar and walk to his car. Kyungsoo doesn’t last five minutes into the car ride before he falls into sleep’s embrace.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
Instead of a ruthless migraine which assaults his head, it’s the twists and turns of his stomach that rouses him from his deep slumber. His eyes blink open, and he takes in the off-white colored ceiling. His head turns, dazed eyes falling upon navy sheets which he’s certain don’t belong to him. There’s a shuffle of feet walking toward the room, and Kyungsoo maneuvers to a sitting position on the bed.   
  
As he flips the sheets from over his legs, Jongin walks inside and stops when he sees that Kyungsoo is awake.   
  
It’s like a dream, and Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to do other than gape. He hasn’t seen Jongin in two weeks and here he is, looking radiant and fresh in a white t-shirt and jeans.  
  
“I’m glad that you’re awake,” Jongin says as he walks further inside.  
  
“Yea,” Kyungsoo replies through confusion while looking over the striped pajama pants and t-shirt. Why is he at Jongin’s apartment? And why is he dressed in Jongin’s pajamas?  
  
“I had to change you out of your clothes because you puked on them,” Jongin says, as though he could read Kyungsoo’s mind. The CEO figures that he must have been plastered last night because he doesn’t remember much of what happened.   
  
But that’s not what’s important right now.   
  
He hasn’t talked to Jongin in two weeks and fear begins to assemble inside his stomach. When coupled with the nauseous feeling, he just may hurl again.   
  
“How…” He doesn’t know what to ask first and tapers off. Jongin soundlessly moves toward the bed and digs a hand inside the nightstand drawer. He removes a book.   
  
The book is ivory with a golden line traveling down its side. A book that Kyungsoo has held in his palms during many nights before he went to sleep.   
  
His eyes widen in shock as Jongin walks to his side of the bed. The pediatrician sits on the mattress, and Kyungsoo involuntarily moves back to create space between them. His mind is a jumbled mess as he thinks about the entries in his journal. His most sacred thoughts, and how he felt about the wedding lies inside. If Jongin has read them, then he knows  _everything_.   
  
Jongin stares at the wall in front of him, “You know, I always thought I was such an upstanding guy,” He begins, breaking Kyungsoo from his torturous thoughts, “I always had a sense of preservation when it came to others, but when I saw this…” He places the book on the bed and slides it to Kyungsoo’s side, “I found it in your hotel room.”  
  
Kyungsoo couldn’t breathe. Over the past two weeks, he looked everywhere for this diary and thought he lost it at the airport. If any random stranger found it, he could live with that. There was no way they would know his identity and under that anonymity, he felt safe.   
  
But in the hands of Jongin, he feels as though his life is over.   
  
“I told myself not to read it, but I needed to know why you left. When I saw Baekhyun, he told me that you had an emergency and had to leave. But I knew you wouldn’t leave without telling  _me_ , I was certain…” Jongin brings his gaze to look at him, “I rushed to your hotel room to see if I could catch you before you left, but you were already gone. Then, I saw this book lying on the floor just under the nightstand. It’s a diary, I know your handwriting anywhere. And I tried to respect your privacy, I fought hard...but I needed to know,”  
  
The walls begin to close in on him, smothering him within its clutches. His breath staggers, and his fingers tremble as he begins to feel lightheaded. This couldn’t be happening to him right now.  
  
“I sat on the bed with my tuxedo still on, and I started from the beginning until the last entry…”   
  
“So you know...” He hears himself speak, and Jongin nods. There isn’t anything to hide anymore and it’s oddly liberating to Kyungsoo. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath to steady the violent thumps of his heart. The subtle tremors of his fingers begin to dwindle as well.   
  
Everything is done. There’s no turning back now, and a deep part of Kyungsoo feels that this is fate at work. Perhaps, this needed to happen for his emotions to finally reach Jongin.   
  
“I don’t understand,” Jongin’s gaze is rich and deep with worry, “How could you do that? How could you allow me to do this to you?” Tears begin to accumulate in Jongin’s eyes, “Answer me Soo,”  
  
“It’s simple...because I love you, Jongin,” There, he’s finally said it, and it’s every bit as satisfying as he imagined.   
  
“I hurt you,”   
  
“It wasn’t your fault,” He mutters.  
  
“But, Kyungsoo. Do you know that when someone hurts you, you begin to love them less?” A single tear rolls down Jongin’s cheek. If he fears that Kyungsoo harbors no feelings of love toward him, then Jongin has deeply misunderstood the CEO. Kyungsoo loves him all the same, purely, passionately and unconditionally. There’s nothing Jongin could have done for him to ever stop loving this man.   
  
“I loved you then, and I still love you now,” He says, but it does nothing to placate Jongin whose tears now stream down his face.   
  
“But I can’t help but feel that I’ve changed you. I’m the reason you’re this way. It all makes sense now. When something was off with you but I couldn’t figure it out. God, I’m so stupid.”  
  
“Jongin, you’re not stupid. You did what made you happy, and I could never fault you for that. Do you remember what I said back in the hotel room? I meant every word,”  
  
“I know, but I still can’t help--”  
  
“Jongin.” Kyungsoo reaches up to caresses his cheek. “It’s okay,” He swipes the tears from the other’s face with a small smile. It brings along a memory of Jongin doing this very same thing to him the night before.  
  
“It took me hours to finish reading your diary...” He says, and it’s in this moment when Kyungsoo truly listens to what he’s saying.   
  
He missed it before. He didn’t think much of it because it seemed improbable, it simply couldn’t be true. His eyes move downward until they reach Jongin’s left hand. There’s no wedding band, and Kyungsoo stares as realization dawns upon him.   
  
“You didn’t get married?” He asks, eyes still transfixed on the ringless finger.   
  
“I didn’t,”  
  
“Is there a reason?”  
  
“I couldn’t,”  
  
“You loved her,”  
  
“I did,”  
  
“Then why?”  
  
“I love someone else more,” Jongin grabs his hand, and Kyungsoo’s entire body begins to shake, “I never thought about it, but you’ve been there all along...”  
  
“J-jongin d-don’t. Don’t do this to me,” Kyungsoo’s feels a tug on his heart which pulls tears to his eyes. This moment feels surreal, like he’s wandering in a daydream that he’s once envisioned before.  
  
“I mean every word,” He moves closer to Kyungsoo’s side on the mattress, “Listen to me, when I read your diary, I began to understand you more. I could feel your emotions and in response to that, I finally realized my own. It wasn’t an epiphany, Soo. Why do you think I haven’t contacted you all this time? I thought about if for weeks, trying to understand my own feelings. And when I did, I knew I had made the right decision…I loved Jiyoon, but the feelings I have for you are much deeper, stronger. I feel ashamed that it took me so long to look at you. To finally  _see_  you. You were always there and I took that for granted, but I want to make it up to you, if you will allow me,” He takes a deep breath, “I love you Kyungsoo, I love everything about you.”  
  
Kyungsoo longs to say something. He had always thought that if this moment was to ever present itself, he would jump for joy. However, he never assumed how the experience would feel while it happened. Denial of the situation hits him hard, but the more he allows Jongin’s words to sink in, the closer he is pulled into this reality.   
  
“I couldn’t get married because my feelings weren’t the same the moment I began reading. I wavered, and I wasn’t certain anymore, so I couldn’t marry her...Kyungsoo, please say something,”  
  
“I don’t know what to say,” He means it when he says this. Speechless, his thoughts are still seized by Jongin’s words, and he tries to sort them through filters of disbelief.  
  
“Say that you will allow me to make this up to you. Say that you will try this relationship with me because I want to try it with you. I will tell you that I love you every waking moment of every day if that’s what it takes, but just please...Please say that you will give us a chance.”  
  
The pour of Jongin’s emotions washes over him in a profound sense of love and care. It overwhelms him, and tears of happiness rain down his face.   
  
He never thought he would find his happily ever after, those things only happened in fairy tales.   
  
Life isn’t always kind or fair, he knows, but he does believe in miracles. He is certain that there is an angel watching over him to grant him such a blessing, and to fulfill his ultimate wish.   
  
After all of these years, his suffering has finally ended.  
  
He clasps Jongin’s hand and interlaces their fingers, “Yes,” He whispers, and Jongin’s face breaks into a grin.  
  
“We’ll give this a try?!” He asks in excitement.  
  
Kyungsoo nods enthusiastically, “Yes, yes!” He feels light, his body weightless on a cloud of bliss.   
  
“Kyungsoo,” Jongin brings his other palm to rub his cheek, “May I kiss you?”  
  
Kyungsoo smiles, tear-stained cheeks stretching wide and eyes curving into crescents, “Please.”   
  
Jongin leans forward, and Kyungsoo quivers when those lips he’s yearned to feel meld with his own. Jongin’s lips are warm and soft, just as he imagined they would be. Kyungsoo allows him to lead and places his free hand on Jongin’s bicep.   
  
Their lips move in fluid motions, mountains of emotions spilling into the rapturous atmosphere. They kiss until the need for air forces them apart in hard breaths of elation. Staring into each other’s eyes, they engage in an unspoken conversation through the exchanges of their hearts. There isn’t much else to say because with a love as genuine as theirs, it could be felt in the air, nearly tangible.   
  
Kyungsoo chuckles, “This is unbelievable,”  
  
“Not really,” Jongin says, “I mean, when I really think about it, you and I suit each other well,”  
  
“You know, I once thought that exact same thing,”  
  
“See? That just proves my point. Oh!” Jongin hops up from the bed and heads for his closet. He emerges with a pearly white book in his hand, “I’ve also decided to start my own diary, to be fair,” He says while taking his previous seat beside Kyungsoo, “I’ll even let you read the first entry,” Jongin hands him the book which he accepts.   
  
As he opens the cover, he throws an appreciative smile toward Jongin, who looks at him expectantly. Kyungsoo begins to reads aloud, “September 10th, 2016. So this is kind of weird, I don’t know what to write,” He laughs loud, but continues reading, “Today was the best day ever. I was finally able to confess to Kyungsoo…” He trails off and reads the remainder of the entry in silence. His eyes become glossy as they travel the words on the page.  
  


He finishes with a soft exhale, then looks at Jongin with a playful glint in his eyes, “You don’t know how much I love you by now? To the moon and back could never suffice,”   
  
“Are you making fun of my measurements? It says right here...” Jongin points to a line on the page, “That it could stretch through the galaxies!” He defends.  
  
“Nope. It’s still not enough,” Kyungsoo teases.  
  
“So we’re really doing this? Teasing people’s journal entries?” Jongin snatches Kyungsoo’s diary from the bed and hurriedly flips through the pages. He skillfully dodges Kyungsoo’s attempt to snag the book back and runs around the bedroom.  
  
While running, Jongin begins reciting loud and clear, “Especially when I saw my personal favorite, macaroni and cheese,” He poorly imitates Kyungsoo’s voice.   
  
Kyungsoo chases after him, and Jongin jumps on the bed to continue running to the other side of the room.  
  
“Hey! Give that back!” Kyungsoo trips and falls face first into the mattress, but props on all fours and crawls to the edge. He leaps toward Jongin, colliding into the pediatrician and sending them both to the ground in a disarray of limbs.  
  
Jongin flattens out on the floor, limbs sprawled out under Kyungsoo who lies atop of his body, “So our trip to Paris was outdone by a plate of macaroni? Well I’ll be…” He says, both men breathing out puffs of air from the short sprint. There’s a beat of silence before they both erupt in laughter. It fills the entire room, and Kyungsoo is the most elated he’s ever been.  
  
He no longer drowns or drifts in the vast ocean. Finally, his waters have calmed as he reaches a shoreline where Jongin stands waiting for him with an opened palm. They embark on a new journey founded by a love which is genuine, honest and true.  
  
For true love is found with the person who owns your heart.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
**Epilogue**

 

It's Christmas morning and Kyungsoo isn’t sure what to make of his boyfriend’s giddy nature. He’s only woken up moments ago but Jongin is already dressed, standing at the foot of the bed with a charming smile. This behavior would be considered creepy, but he lets it slide due to the holiday. It’s their first Christmas as a couple, after all.   
  
Jongin soundlessly pulls one hand from behind his back. Inside his palm is a single rose, the color of dark crimson, and he hands the flower to Kyungsoo, who accepts it with a grin.   
  
As he shifts into a sitting position on the bed, he says, “Thanks Jongin,”   
  
“That’s not all,” Jongin says, and Kyungsoo’s eyes widen, anticipation at an all time high. This time, Jongin pulls a red, medium sized gift bag from behind his back and gives it to Kyungsoo.   
  
After rummaging through the jumbles of gift paper, Kyungsoo’s palm grabs the present. It’s a framed photo. Within the dark rectangular wood sits a picture of Minseok appearing healthy with a wide smile stretching those puffy cheeks of his.  
  
“This is lovely,” Kyungsoo's eyes soften, “How is Minseok doing?”   
  
“Better. This photo was taken during a reunion with his family. I’m glad he was able to be home with them.” Jongin sits beside him on the mattress, and Kyungsoo leans over to peck his cheek.   
  
“That’s really wonderful. I miss him. I haven’t seen him since he moved, but it’s nice to hear that he’s doing better now. This is a great gift, Jongin.”  
  
“There’s a bit more,” Jongin hints while pointing to the same gift bag. Kyungsoo perks up and digs a hand inside once again. When he catches the item in his fingertips, he pulls it out of the bag.   
  
Instantly, thunderous laughter erupts from his lips. The convulsions bubble out of him without control, “J-jongin,” He continues to laugh with his entire body, head thrown back as the humor overwhelms him, “I can’t believe this.” He stammers.   
  
Jongin smirks, “Hey, I never back down from a challenge.”   
  
Kyungsoo shakes his head with a smile. What he holds in his palm is no ordinary christmas gift, but a thick, red and blue scarf, that is checkered with polka dots, and stripes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter and the end! I hope you guys enjoyed the read. ^^ When I first worked on this fic, I was really stressed because of the deadline and by experiencing the pressure of my first fic fest, I didn't begin writing this story for quite some time. I almost gave up to be honest. But with the help of my dearest friend Bambi, she was able to get me back on track and complete it. 
> 
> Comments are an author's lifeline. And I appreciate them very much, so please don't be shy and leave one if you're inclined. As my first entry onto ao3, I didn't expect any readers, but it's nice to see a few around. Thank you for your time, and I will be cross-posting my fics here from AFF in due time.


End file.
